Such is it that in 2012, there are at least two candidates who are vying for the votes of voters who want to completely waste their votes.
VERMIN LOVE SUPREME is a veteran candidate for the hearts of alienated New Hampsherites, and he celebrated the beginning of the 2012 campain by -- once again -- officially getting himself on the ballot. By coincidence -- or by procrastination; it was the last possible moment -- he filed papers the same day as the Texas Republican Rick Perry, and took the opportunity to howl questions at his opponent. Vermin is running this year as a Democrat -- he said he wanted to give people the chance to vote against Obama -- and as Perry was smiling dutifully for the New Hampshire press corps, Supreme asked whether Perry's hair had any chance of beating Romney's hair in the primary. Perry had no comment. That was this past Friday afternoon. Hours later, Supreme was on his way to Salem, Massachusetts to debate a far more formidable opponent.
Vermin is used to having the write-in vote to himself, but earlier this year the Phoenix's ace political correspondent DAVID S. BERNSTEIN noticed that there was another candidate threatening Vemin's turf: a dead Englishman, no less. Followers of the late ALEISTER CROWLEY suggested that their hero could easily best the previous write-in vote totals. Bernstein, who knows a good feud -- not to mention a great hashtag -- when he sees one, began stoking ill will between the two candidates until they agreed to a debate, with Bernstein as moderator.
What transpired was the best fake presidential debate Massachusetts has seen in a generation. After some small technical difficulties, we managed to stream the whole thing live on the internet, and we accidentally recorded the whole thing for posterity. We're not so sure that's a good thing, but it's a thing, so we're posting it. Check it out above.
As outlandish as were the suggestions made by these two candidates -- free ponies for everyone; the Bill of Rights replaced by the easier-to-remember "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" -- they were scarcely less crazy, and often far more rational, and truthful, than what's being proposed in the Republican presidential debates. GOP frontrunners: watch and learn.