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Oh, the Madness!: The thrifty gambler's guide to betting on college basketball this year

Betting on college hoops isn't merely for sports nuts, columnists, and NCAA referees. It's for the fiscally responsible, too! I mean, someone's gotta win, right? So here is the surefire method to ensure that your ten (or more) dollar buy-in will turn itself into a small (or enormous) fortune.

-Holiness is an awful quality. Don't pick any team that would suspend their leading rebounder for having premarital sex.

-Ignore your pal over at UC Santa Barbara because "Dude, it's our year," is a sentiment shared by all face-painted idiots with their shirts off.

-Not only does Wisconsin have a great record, but public-radio-funding billionaire David Koch promised the team "a fun time in California" if they can take attention away from Gov. Scott Walker. Bet on them being in the Final Four.

-Research the mascots and pick accordingly by which would win in a one-on-one battle.

-And finally, as difficult as it may be, pick against your alma mater. All the good times you ever had won't mean much when you lose your car.

There you have it. You don't need to be a courtside guru to take home some dough. Adhering to this groundless advice while lending some unfounded faith to your intuition will make you a winner come April. Good luck.

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