Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Posted at
12:48
by
Carly Carioli
Up front: we don't know the answer, either. But what we do know is that the Fenway Park folks have been warning their neighbors to expect a concert on Saturday, July 19 and Sunday, July 20, 2008. So let the speculation begin: think you know who's coming to Fenway? Tell us in the comments; results and excerpts will appear in the fishwrap next week.
In the meantime, here's our best guesses. Note: these aren't real odds, so don't blame us if the Madonna/McCartney "Aged Icons Tour" is announced tomorrow on the History Channel.
1. Radiohead
- Pros: US tour has already been promised in two legs, one before June 6 and one "after July 8." After July 8! July 19 is after July 8! Ooo! Oooh!
- Cons: No mention of Fenway ticket-buyers being allowed to name their own price (unless it's on eBay, for north of four figures.) Far too relevant for a venue that favors artists in their dotage (Stones, Springsteen, Buffet). Might actually draw people who like music more than baseball. Also, could spark fierce crosstown bidding war with the kids booking the late show over at the Museum of Science planetarium.
- Odds: 8-5
2. Led Zeppelin
- Pros: No tour plans yet, but Page says he's ready to go, and Plant's touring obligations with Alison Krauss end in mid-May.
- Cons: Zeppelin may be old, they may be ubiquitous, and they may be boomer staples, but of all the geezer reunions headed here this summer, this one has the best chance of turning into a stone-cold, heavy-metal-parking-lot riot. There's a big difference between rolling out the red carpet for MILF-bait like Sting, and openeing the Green Monster to 50,000 teenage hooligans smashed faceless on Red Bull, kind bud, and the opening riff of "Black Dog." Also, not enough money on Yawkey Way: if Zep pull something together, look for five nights at Foxboro.
- Odds: 18-1
3. Metallica
- Pros: Hetfield's jackhammer-guitar blitzkrieg could provide cheap demolition for the three buildings in the Fenway that haven't already been torn down for condo redevelopment. "Yankees Suck" merchandisers clean up with bootleg "Some Kind of (Green) Monster" t-shirts.
- Cons: Release of new Rick Rubin-produced studio album was recently pushed back to September. Time to throw in the (Phil) Towle.
- Odds: 17-1
4. Paul McCartney
- Pros: He's beloved by international corporate sponsors, the douchebags who actually drive the infield green that makes shit like this profitable. Evergreen boomer fanbase still has enough Viagra left in the cabinet to generate the requisite woody when Macca sings Beatles tunes. He's already toured this decade, alleviating the possibility that actual fans, with actual passions, might do something batshit-crazy like jump out of the rafters. Might have already penciled in a summer of laying pipe to one-legged models, but other than that and a festival date in Liverpool, looks like his schedule's wide open.
- Cons: Full-frontal marketing for his 2007 Starbucks release only yeilded in 600,000 in sales. There's nothing new in the release pile, so he's got nothing to sell -- unless there's some juicy Apple/Apple (i.e., iTunes/Beatles) download campaign in the works. In which case he'd have to split the spoils with Ringo and the widows.
- Odds: 22-1
5. Madonna
- Pros: Name a single Red Sox player, coach, or management executive who wouldn't want to see cone bras in Monstervision.
- Cons: Any world tour would be part of her new $160-million Live Nation deal that includes splitting revenue from live performances, CDs, and merch. In the absence of a new album or totally new stage production -- neither of which is on the horizon -- she perfects her British accent at the beach this summer.
- Odds: 25-1
6. U2
- Pros: Almost as Irish as Dropkick Murphys. In event of rain, Fenway distributes plastic glasses and screens U2:3D while the Edge parties at the French Library.
- Cons: Monster seats would have to be removed to accomodate Bono's ego.
- Odds: 20-1
7. Bon Jovi
- Pros: Just bought a $26 million penthouse on Mercer St. in New York. Probably wants to pay cash. Has filled Foxboro in the past and could easily do two nights at Fenway. Can stay for free at his buddy Bill Belichick's house . . . while Bill hides out from irate Patriots fans ("FOURTH AND FUCKING 13?!?!") in undisclosed location.
- Cons: Not old enough.
- Odds: 7-5
