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Eric Byrnes sucks and so does his stupid mustache

Our hatred for Eric Byrnes began on a Saturday afternoon in 2003 when the Oakland A's were playing the Boston Red Sox in the third game of the American League Division Series. Byrnes, a blonde bad-tempered sore-losing prettyboy crybaby, rounded homeplate, shoving trunk-thighed Varitek out of the way. But lo! He didn't tag homeplate! Instead of punching his lights out, instead of stomping the odious little monster, Varitek retrieved the ball, and tagged Byrnes out. So controlled. So civil. The perfect revenge.

Anyway, Byrnes, now playing for the Arizona Diamondbacks, started growing a mustache because, as everyone knows, wispy upper lip hair makes you play better baseball. Quoth Byrnesy: "I knew if I could hit in 10 straight, just something to get me going at the beginning of the year, get a little visible mustache growing, that would be great."