Why Conservatives Drive Me Nucking Futs

My friends and I have a running game called “Shoney,” in which one person says something that is dangerously false, and insists upon the point until other people get annoyed by the instigator’s ignorance. Then, right when people start screaming “Busta Rhymes and LeAnn Rimes are not related, you moron,” the joker shouts “Shoney,” and everybody else feels dumb for getting worked up over the ruse.

I’m still waiting for Fox News to announce that they’ve been Shoneying the left for years. I’m a rampant progressive, and, admittedly, conservative stubbornness makes me want to swing an axe in public. I’ve had a lot of girlfriends who openly oppose the truth, and Michelle Malkin makes them all look like rational beasts. Sometimes I think the only exercise that keeps my hatchet sheathed is pinpointing conservative characteristics that aggravate me.

For one, they’re a foul looking bunch. Show me a sexy blonde (who isn’t a right wing pundit or the trophy wife (or daughter) of a Republican millionaire) who truly identifies with Karl Rove and Bill O’Reilly. For two, they’re unbelievably quick to build lengthy arguments on fabricated premises; clearly, Rush Limbaugh is the principal of that school. Also - let’s not forget their save-babies but kill-criminals hypocrisy, but that’s for another blog post.

The most obnoxious conservative offense, though, in my opinion, is the tendency to deny facts (and even possibilities) because they pose an ideological inconvenience. Conservatives like polluting, so global warming must be hogwash. They like firearms, so gun violence statistics are misleading. For those who enjoy slaughtering brown folks, it didn’t matter who attacked us. And, of course, it’s wrong to call the president a liar. Even if he is one.

Why am I blasting this childish rant right now? Because I just read the latest Phoenix letters section, which demonstrates the latter phenomenon. The frauds who got their spiels published should be thankful that I’m not an editor, because I would have deleted this nonsense faster than I do investment offers from folks alleging to be long lost cousins. Let’s look at some of the hilarity that made its way into this week’s print edition…

Conservatives objected to the claims that “returning military veterans” were vulnerable to recruitment by extremist groups without supplying evidence to back up their assertion. You also failed to note that Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano issued an apology to veterans because of the language in the report.
Do conservatives have evidence to back up their assertion that “returning military veterans” are not vulnerable to recruitment by extremist groups? No. From the treatment of detainees to heterosexism to the Air Force becoming some sick sanctuary for Christian fundamentalists, the United States military is in itself an extremist group, so why is this suggestion such a stretch? Furthermore; it’s hilarious how Janet Napolitano’s apology is now being flaunted whereas it was (rightfully) mocked as insincere when it was issued.

I am not aware of any mainstream conservative individual or organization that has condoned the assassination of Dr. George Tiller. Within hours of Tiller’s death, pro-life organizations, such as the National Right to Life Committee, issued statements denouncing his murder.
Insinuating that right-to-lifers didn’t celebrate Tiller’s death behind closed doors is as absurd as alleging that a lot of white people don’t use racial epithets when there are no minorities around. Why are right-wingers so reluctant to gloat in public? When Strom Thurmond died I had a keg party.

Insinuating Presidents Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan were racist borders on defamation.
That’s the point, dummy.

You conclude this display of ill-considered rhetoric with an attack on Rush Limbaugh — for his physical appearance! Thus you have degraded political discourse down to the level of schoolyard graffiti — something even Limbaugh himself has yet to do.
So Limbaugh isn’t a reprehensible slob? And his debate tactics are gentlemanly? And he doesn’t have nasty nicknames for every last one of his adversaries? Please. I don’t get the “schoolyard graffiti” reference, but if that’s what we’re calling salacious slander then Rush Limbaugh is Shepard Fairey.

I would say “Shoney,” but I meant every last word of that.