TomKat's Unholy Matrimony: "I take you, Kate, to have and to hold and to slouch..."

They do. And like the rest of the world, I'm starting to believe maybe this whole TomKat and their TomKitten alien baby union isn't the farce I originally assumed it was. Maybe it's all the breathless People.com coverage (there is even a blog). However. Let's talk about the fact that in Katertot's official wedding photo -- the print that's circulated in all the tabloids, and also the one she'll likely look back on years from now so that she can remember the "happiest day of her life" when she married Loony Cruizy, "the most amazing man in the world" -- the former Girl Down the Creek is slumped over worse than an insecure, pre-braced scoliosis patient. For WHAT? Not because she naturally has horrendous posture. Not because it brings out the completely bizarre mini-bangs she's sporting (this is what you get when Kevin Paves, aka Jessica Simpson's best gal pal, does your wedding hair instead of stand-by Oscar Blandi -- big whoops). It's because KitKat is trying to make it look as though good old Tommy McCrazy the Dwarf is taller than she is.

Hey. He isn't. Katherine, it's time you began to accept your fate. Forget the fact that your career is a far-gone mess (you made us CRINGE in Batman, missy), you popped out a kid before becoming an honest woman, your husband is an absolute crack-pot with a grin to match, and your days as Joey Potter are but a mere memory rerunning late-nights on the N. The fact is -- well -- you married a short dude. Kinda makes you lie awake in bed some nights crying, doesn't it?

You can find us over at the official Dawson's Creek website today, mourning our girl's downfall and looping "I Don't Wanna Wait" by the incomparable Paula Cole on the iPod. So hang on, Katie Holmes Cruise. It's going to be a bumpy life.