So I'm
promoting my Occupy book on the WRKO morning show with Tom and Todd
earlier today, taking calls and talking trash, when suddenly Todd
welcomes big time conservative cheese Andrew Breitbart on the line. I
don't think those guys were blindsiding me – I've always had
totally amicable chats with the crew over there – but I was
nonetheless taken aback. After all – Breitbart is the kind of
whiney ignoramus who you always swear you'd scream on if you saw him
in public.
More
than happy to sink to his level, that's exactly what I did, blasting
him as the bullshit Michelangelo he is. In return, he smacked me up a
bit, and even managed to lure the conversation into his court. By the
time the dialogue flipped to Occupy's protests at the recent
Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) circus, there was no
chance to discuss the underlying reasons that propelled activists to
stand outside and risk arrest – rampant foreclosures, predatory
lending, policies on everything from the economy to the environment
that were written by former titans of industry.
To
clarify a few things: I stand by my allegation that Breitbart is a
“disgusting animal;” I maintain the position that his CPAC posse
should be hollered at; in some instances I should have said “bigoted”
instead of “racist” (Gingrich is racist, while the things he says
are bigoted); I'm still ROFLing at the suggestion that Occupiers were
oppressing the power brokers inside of the conference. And to all the
Breitbart fan boys who are fishing for a wink from their master by
putting me on blast – I am indeed an angry liberal. That insult
doesn't penetrate. In fact I'm fucking outraged.
Here's
a bit of staircase wit that I couldn't articulate at the moment:
conservatives like Breitbart are attempting to re-shape the Occupy
narrative for the own selfish interests – to prove their hunch,
once and for all, that liberals are neanderthals and rapists. That's
the difference between us; despite claims by Breitbart's fluffers
that I'm a failed music writer who hopped the Occupy bandwagon, I've
been covering social justice issues for years. The insinuation that
I'm new to protest movements is more hilarious than claims that CPAC
doesn't draw a callous brood of homophobes and bigots.
Which
brings me to my final point on the matter for the time being (I'm
sure we'll get to more when I face off with Breitbart again, next
Monday morning, on the same show). Admitting my unpreparedness – a
move that I'm aware is foreign to conservatives – I promised to
follow-up with a list of 50 examples from this year's CPAC of racist,
sexist, and homophobic speech (which is the primary criteria for most
of these, though stupidity and classism are the real common
denominators). It didn't take long; my interns and I had 45 before we
even reached Ann Coulter. Meanwhile, if anyone out there is
interested in an intelligent conversation about my book, check the
entire interview from Tom and Todd, or my long talk with Callie
Crossley on WGBH from later in the afternoon.
RACISM,
BIGOTRY...
Obama is a Muslim:
“And
we will have an executive order to repeal every act of religious
bigotry by the Obama administration.” -Newt Gingrich
“If [Obama] wins
reelection, he will wage war on the Catholic Church the morning after
he is reelected. We cannot trust him, we know who he really is and we
should ensure the country knows who he really is.” -Newt
Gingrich
Comparing
undocumented immigrants to freight:
“This
is not a theory: It is a practical reality that we have the
technology that enables us to track between UPS and FedEx. We track
24 million packages a day while they are moving, and we allow you to
find out where they are for free.” -Newt Gingrich
Calling human
beings “illegal:”
“The federal government
today cannot find 11 million illegal immigrants, even if they are
sitting still.” -Newt Gingrich
?!!*&$??!@#!:
“Well with what the gentleman was saying about the Justice
Department, I went to the briefing, the hate crimes summit, and I
went there and it was all Muslim officials speaking and they had all
these pictures of some mosque somewhere, and it was usually in the
South, I’m proud to say where a guy would drive a pickup truck
right into the mosque.” -James Lafferty
This guy's never
been to the South Side of Chicago or Los Angeles:
“Segregation and
colonialism have long since been dismantled.”
-John Derbyshire
Interesting
point, but haven't seen that poll yet:
“Voters
with 40 years of politically correct education are ecstatic to have
the first black president, they just love the idea of it, even if we
did get Flava Flav instead of Thomas Sowell.” -Ann Coulter
Race-baiting
cloaked as a condemnation of race-baiting:
“Racial
division and class warfare are central to what hope and change was
sold in 2008.” -Andrew Breitbart
Here's our token
black friend whose mere presence absolves the bigotry of all CPAC
attendees:
“Attacks
from the liberal left, such as being called racist, and perhaps they
should see who is standing here as your keynote speaker.” -Allen
West
“Political
correctness has no place in our national security strategy.” -Allen
West
Wonder what he
means my “someone such as”:
“I find it appalling
that someone such as Maj. Malik Nadal Hasan can gun down American
soldiers and we treat that as incident workplace violence.” -Allen
West
Variations on that
old one about how bearded brown people are guilty until proven
innocent:
“I
do have a problem with granting American constitutional rights to
terrorists.” -Allen
West
Yee-haw
Christianity!!!:
“If
we are to have a new dawn in America, it means reclaiming our
Judeo-Christian heritage.” -Allen
West
“Our
constitution was made only for a moral and religious people, it is
holy and adequate to the government of any other. This is not about a
separation of church and state, this is about making sure that we do
not separate faith from the individual. You must never forget that
the American motto is: “In God We Trust.” -Allen West
“Islam is a theocracy,
it’s a military political and a religious system.” -Victoria
Jackson
Asia-Bashing
“China
is still a communist country, which is using capitalism as a weapon
against us.” -Allen West
“This is not about
fairness. This is not about being revenue neutral . . . so we can
pull away from China and we become once again the dominant country on
the planet.” -Newt Gingrich
“The next thing we’re gonna hear – the Chinese care about the
environment!” -Ann McElhinney
“[Obama would] probably make a lovely neighbor, unless you’re
Chinese, then he’d be constantly borrowing stuff.” -Ann Coulter
Perhaps we can
build a fence around the entire US border:
“The dawn of a new America means this: secure our borders, and
enforce our laws, recognize the growing threats on the Korean
peninsula, recognize the threats coming out of South America.”
-Allen West
Thinly-veiled
anti-civil rights rhetoric:
“A new dawn for America
means never surrendering our nuclear deterrent capabilities. Due to a
naive trust to those of those who subscribe to Machiavelli, not
Kumbaya.” -Allen West
America – Fuck
Yeah!!!
“I believe that we
should celebrate the diversity of the melting pot called America, but
never allow multi-cultural-ism to grow on steroids and define itself
as making American culture subservient, because, yes, there is a
definitive American culture.” -Allen
West
“American
cultural values should never be subjugated to any other value as long
as I have air in my lungs.” -Allen West
Real Americans
speak English:
“This may be a hot
topic here at CPAC, but without this critical third pillar, we are
incomplete as an American people, we must honor our language, and
realize that it is the most important, most basic common bond, which
makes us an America.” -Allen West
“People
would like to say that it is great for people to speak more than one
language. I think it’s hogwash myself.” -Peter Brimelow
MISOGYNY
AND SEXISM...
Somewhat vague and
misleading nonsense that's nonetheless incredibly sexist:
“We
must respect and honor the unborn.” -Allen West
“I
defended the Catholic Church’s right to serve their community in
ways that were consistent with their conscience through adoption
programs that placed children in a home with a mom and a dad.”
-Mitt Romney
“I
vetoed a bill that would have allowed young girls to gain access to
abortion-inducing drugs.” -Mitt Romney
I see your facts,
stats, and studies and raise you a one-liner:
“The current feminist
myth is about how much we make, just to never have to pay for dinner.
That seems like a fair deal to me." -Ann
Coulter
It's not hypocrisy
if you truly believe it:
"It's not about
contraception, it's about economic liberty; it's about freedom of
speech; it's about freedom of religion. It's about government control
of your lives and it's got to stop." -Rick
Santorum
“I’m
glad that you played the Rachel Maddow clip because I think she is
the best argument in favor of her parents using contraception. I
would be all for that. And all of the rest of the crowd at MSNBC,
too, for that matter.” -Cal Thomas
Republicans should
decide what women all over the world do with their bodies:
“And
let me be clear: Mine will be a pro-life presidency. On day
one, I will reinstate the Mexico City policy.” -Mitt
Romney
“The President believes
that your tax dollars should subsidize Planned Parenthood. We believe
that every child is created equal with that right to life, and I ask
you to stand up for those who cannot stand for themselves. If not us,
then who?” -Sarah Palin
Saying the opposite
of the truth is always a winning policy:
“It’s
the feminist movement that has set us back.” -Ann Coulter
HETEROSEXISM...
People who are
wired differently than me don't deserve equal rights:
“We must hold sacred
the privilege of the institution of marriage as a bond between a man
and a woman to promote the promulgation of our society, because we
cannot allow the destruction of the American family.” -Allen
West
“That’s
not what marriage is, it’s in the bible, god did not create gay
marriage he created man and woman marriage, duh!” -Victoria Jackson
I fucking dare
anyone to say this isn't blatant hatred:
“I do not respect
teaching five-year-olds homosexuality and I do not respect gay
marriage.” -Victoria Jackson
“Hello
children at home, no your dad’s not gay, that’s how your left
rolls.” -Andrew Breitbart
Not necessarily
sexism but certainly untrue:
"I think all real
females are right-wingers and I can tell you that based on
experience—and my bodyguard will back me up on this – all pretty
girls are right-wingers.” -Ann
Coulter
That sucks dude –
because Mass did become the Vegas of gay marriage under your watch:
“On
my watch, we fought hard and prevented Massachusetts from becoming
the Las Vegas of gay marriage.” -Mitt Romney
BONUS
STUPIDITY, IGNORANCE, AND CLASSISM...
The least-funny SNL
cast member of all-time is fucking insane:
“This president
actually won the vote by being like American Idol. A lot of
stupid masses were brainwashed by the liberal media who didn’t tell
them who they were voting for.” -Victoria
Jackson
“Did
you know that the Democratic party started the KKK and the
republicans were the ones who freed the blacks?” -Victoria Jackson
“Should we have voted
to abolish slavery? Yes We should have voted instead of killing each
other, instead of killing our brothers and relatives we shouldn’t
have voted.” -Victoria Jackson
“Do
you think that George Washington ever thought that two men would want
to marry each other?” -Victoria Jackson
Classic
anti-Canadian sentiment:
“[Canadians
are] responsible for inventing modern political diseases that have
infected the entire world.” -Peter Brimelow
Yeah dude – that
totally works:
“I
fought for abstinence education in our public schools.” -Mitt
Romney
Wow – I never
thought about it like that before:
“Bill Clinton saved the
constitution by repeatedly ejaculating on a White House intern.”
-Ann Coulter
In other news, a
pot called a kettle black:
“These
people are the definition of un-American.” -Andrew
Breitbart
Can we at least
give welfare recipients an opportunity to build the wall?:
“Let’s put a wall around the welfare stare, not around our
country.” -Alex Nowrasteh
A joke so hilarious
that it justifies not giving any shit whatsoever about the planet
that we live on:
“Environmentalists love
windmills, but they also love the bald eagle. Well guess what – you
can’t have both! Your endangered species all over this nation
getting killed by those windmills!” -Ann
McElhinney
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