[Valentine's Day Fail] Pizza Hut: Raising the rate of obesity and divorce in America, one box at a time

Church of the Absurd

Hey, you there. Are you fat? Unimaginative? Aggressively tacky? Maybe you're just plain awful. All of the above? Are you looking to get hitched to someone with similar attributes? Then has Pizza Hut got the Valentine's Day promo for you!

Just when we thought that the world had run out of cheesy (GET IT?!) proposal stunts for terrible people who love other terrible people, there's this. For just over a cool ten grand, you can pop the question to your ladyfriend over a $10 box of grease that's just a hair ahead of Dominos on the spectrum of gross foodstuff pretending to be pizza.

But the romance doesn't stop there. Talk about bang for your buck: class all the way, this package includes a "ruby red ring," a fireworks display, flowers, and both a photographer and videographer (so you can document the initial flash of horror and the subsequent creeping look of resignation and resentment on your beloved's face with two mediums, for posterity and shit.) All that plus a first class limo ride to the end of civilization. Because we're pretty sure that's coming.

Seriously, dude, if you want to ensure this marriage ends in divorce, and/or a wife with a fat ass, why don't you just save yourself the trouble and go to Jared.