Everything you always wanted to know about Mitt Romney's taxes but were afraid to ask

Look, he's not releasing his taxes. OK? We all know that's just a Democratic ploy to make us hate rich people. Well, on second thought: maybe. HARHARHAR. No, really, sorry, South Carolina: he'll release them right away, sirs. Some of them. He thinks. OK: just last year's. But that's it, Florida! Unless you choose Newt! In which case: whothefuckknows!

WAIT THEY'RE HERE: IT'S MITT ROMNEY'S ACTUAL TAX RETURNS! HOLY SHIT! And they're . . . just as boring as he is. Right? Well, sorta. Every campaign reporter on the trail is digging into these things and finding . . . not a hell of a lot. But here's what we know that we didn't know yesterday.