3D Piranhas Gone Wild! (are not so sexy, according to Joe Francis)

If there's one thing that should be abundantly clear by now, it's that pervy video-mogul Joe Francis' dick is really important to him. Like, super important. His dick is the key that unlocked his entire career. His dick is the coon hound (poon hound?) that navigates him through the perilous woods of ugly, uptight chicks straight to the easy, large-breasted, semi-comatose big game that is his livelihood. What we're saying is, if Joe Francis was to lose his dick in some tragic accident, it would be a real drag.

Which must be why the Girls Gone Wild mastermind is in a pretty tizzy over Piranha 3D. Such a tizzy, in fact, the he's getting all lawyer-ed up and suit happy. Apparently, Jerry O'Connoll (where's that guy been, by the way?) is in this movie. And he plays a character "loosely based" on Francis. If playing a slimy video producer of a show called Wild Wild Girls is in any way a loose interpretation. But, whatever, this is a movie about carnivorous fish terrorizing scantily clad co-eds...in 3D. Chill out. (Why don't they just not go in the water, by the way? That would effectively solve the whole man-eating fish problem. Last time we checked those pesky piranhas are sort of limited as to where they can menace people. Water being the only place.) But then there wouldn't be a movie about them and we'd all have to go watch Mao's Last Dancer or something else intellectual, which definitely doesn't come with 3D glasses, and our heads would really start to hurt from all that thinking, and who is Mao anyway and...

Anyway. It seems that said O'Connoll character loses his junk in a very messy piranha encounter. A scenario that doesn't sit well with Joe Francis. Who loves his dick. And needs it. His lawyer has already sent a letter to the production company stating that anyone associated with the movie must "refrain from maligning Mr. Francis . . . Any defamatory or disparaging statements . . . will be met with swift litigation." Dude, has anyone, anywhere, ever made a statement about Mr. Francis that wasn't defamatory or disparaging? Lawsuits all around!

We personally just think that Francis should be pleased that his fictional man meat is being fictionally portrayed in 3D. That's got to be something of an ego booster.