Five things Shaq brings to the Celtics (that have nothing to do with basketball)

By now you've all probably heard the news that The Big Aristotle has touched down in Boston. And while the Shaq of yesteryear (pictured above) would've launched us into the Miami Heat stratosphere of odds-on favorites to knock off the Lakers, there's really no downside to this signing.

The man of many names accepted a two-year contract worth far less than what he's accustomed to -- somewhere in the vicinity of $19 million less than the 20 he banked with the Cavs last season. And we can only hope that he knows his role -- lapping up minutes at the five until Perk returns sometime in 2011, while keeping his gargantuan ego out of the way.

But putting aside the vanilla 10 points/boards per game he'll likely be asked to contribute, this signing is much more about the intangibles he offers the team. Here's a rundown of the five biggest assets this Shaq signing brings to next season's Celtics squad:

1) A social media coach

Besides Rajon Rondo (who holds it down on Facebook with 687,285 fans), none of the other Celtics really seem to have a grasp on the whole social media concept. Pierce tried his hand at Twitter, but seems to have given up after someone hacked into his account and posted some over-the-top boastful comments following a playoff W against the Magic (still not sure that I buy that one).

Enter Shaq, who enjoys using his Twitter account to converse with his friends Oprah and Justin ‘Big' Bieber. With a little mentoring, he cud hav da hole team tweetn n no time :)

And even the mere thought of KG on Twitter puts #predictingkanyetweets to shame -- "starbucks fucks dunkin donuts shit all up ARRRGGHHH" or "just scooped my whites from the dry cleaners. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLEEE!!@#*%&#"

2) The LOLz

The most obvious and crucial intangible Shaq brings to the staunch C's is the possibility of loosening their collars a tad. Literally the biggest clown in the league, a simple YouTube search reveals too many gems to list. And let us not forget his foray into Hollywood. No doubt that he'll be able to lighten the locker room air a tad. Can you dig it?

3) Big Baby's Big Daddy

While a number of portly built big men have worn the nickname ‘Baby Shaq' over the past couple decades, none more so than Glen Davis, who has drawn the comparisons since he first dawned the purple and gold uniform of Shaq's alma mater LSU. The two easy-going bigs should have no problem building a bond. I'll even offer up a suggestion for an ice-breaker:

Remember back to the beginning of last season when Davis broke his finger and campaigned to drop the Big Baby nickname, in turn helping him to shake his immature perception? The best replacement he could come up with was Uno Uno. For obvious reasons, it didn't stick and he's still known better by his nickname than his birth name.

Well, guess what? Shaq is the king of inventing sweet nicknames: The Diesel, Shaq Fu, The Big Aristotle, Superman, The Big Shaqtus, The Big Galactus, Wilt Chamberneezy, The Big Baryshnikov, Dr. Shaq, Shaqovic. Just a sample size of the titles he's worn proudly throughout his time in the league. Glen, give him a couple weeks and Big Baby will be nothing but a faint memory

4) Toughness

And no, I'm not talking about the 'on the court' variety. To question the grit of this Celtics squad would be foolish (just ask Zaza, Quentin, etc, etc). Rather, the true fortitude offered by Shaq comes with standing up to the big, bad media.

He's already taken up the task of getting into a Twitter altercation with ESPN and radio personality Jim Rome, who had some disparaging remarks regarding his signing to the Celtics. And clearly he's up to the task -- sonning Rome with tweets like the one above, linking to the 1994 footage of Rome getting his ass kicked by Jim Everett, and even challenging him to a boxing match.

Let's hope for my sake that if Shaq happens to read the Phlog, he won't take this post personally.

5) Flow

Shaq's got spit. Just ask Kobe.

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