Bristol and Levi, former teenage paramours and parents to an Alaskan baby, are no longer engaged...again. Rumor has it Levi knocked up yet another teenager. Also, there were whispers of Levi going off to star in some music video mocking Bristol's family (early footage can be seen here,) offering Bristol the excuse that he was, instead, off to "a hunting show in Hollywood." It is unclear whether he was referring to his cameo in the music video or if that's some sort of Alaskan euphemism for impregnating another woman. Apparently the couple is now only communicating via text (I mean, it's not like Tripp can text, so their family plan is basically going to waste if they were to resort to talking). Here are a few likely snippets of their heartbreaking text correspondence (as [very] loosely interpreted by a couple of hard-working Phoenix staffers*):L: first of all, i told u that i wanted u to have that baby daddy test done b4 i would even call him my kidu would think ur mom could pony up the $ for that what with her fancy book dealB: OOOMG! That's it! I told you I only did it halfsies with Dan, and nothing (much) with Chris, and I was totally drunk with Tim, so like nothing happened! Its ur Tripp, I swear! I mean, Tripp is urs.L: ill b home when i get home babe. i think i hit just hit a moose so this cud take a wile B: Levi, I'm not an idiot, I kno killing animals is code for having sex with grls!L: I thought she was a Bush twin! U kno what that could have done for this family okB: Family? Wat u kno about that?? Thats it! Buh-bye Levi, I <3 U, but I can't do this. I have a career to think about and u too irresponsblie 4 me. Oh, and Tripp 2.*These words do not represent the actual views, feelings, or grammatical competance of the subjects in question. But, then again, they might.
In the end, it's likely that we'll have to post yet another addendum to this blog; the two love penguins will inevitably rekindle their burning love. Because republicans don't believe in divorce (or gun/birth/self control.) So here's to you Bristol and Levi (Brevi?,) young love never hurt so good.
-Marianna Faynshteyn and Alexandra Cavallo