The Scott Brown survival guide: Five keys to living in Red State Massachusetts

It doesn't matter how many times you've been told it, some people -- including, apparently, some people who's names begin with "Marth" and end with "Okley" -- tend to forget that Massachsuetts is a majority-independent state. Even the big left-wing media gurus -- who were parachuted in to watch the most agonizing Democratic political defeat in a generation -- seemed shocked that Democratic enrollment is about even with where it is everywhere else. 

Point being: After last night, as should be breathtakingly obvious, it would be stupid to call Massachusetts a blue state. Folks, look at the map: we live in a Red State. Might as well get used to it.

1. Everybody buy a pickup truck. On the downside, they're gas-guzzlers. On the upside, they'll come in handy in about 10 years, when -- thanks to global warming, which Scott Brown is not so sure about -- Cape Cod is underwater and we're all vacationing on the beach in Ontario.

2. Everybody take pictures of your junk. Unlike Scott, we can't all get pictures of our junk published in Cosmo. But we can send pictures of our junk to Ayla Brown -- because, like her fake-hillbilly dad said, she's available! And, y'know, we also want to celebrate how awesome it is that her pops thinks nurses shouldn't have to treat rape victims if they don't feel like it.

3. Everybody get mad at David Gergen. "The people's seat" tag-line is his fault. During the debate, Gergen became the world's greatest embodiment of effete, arrogant, liberal elites -- and he isn't even a fucking liberal! Now, of course, Gergen is all over CNN proclaiming that Brown's election means Obama has to "re-set his presidency," giving up on big initiatives. Red Staters should be blowing Gergen. But Red Staters aren't that smart. So let's act like he's still the enemy.


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