Tonight’s debate between Barack
Obama and John McCain is at Hofstra University in my old Long Island
backyard. I’ve noticed that when earlier debates were held in other corners of
some questions were formulated to fit the needs and interests of the local electorate.
Since I know suburban New York
well, I decided to pen some questions that Long Islanders could relate to. Grab
your leather jacket and apply your best accent.
For Barack Obama
-A lot of Democrats are in favor
of limiting the amount of hair spray that families can consume on account of
what they call ozone park pollution. My wife uses four cans of Aqua Net a week;
should that be within the limit?
-Do you support tax breaks for
people who spend more than half their incomes on car stereo equipment?
-Would you consider appointing
Joey Buttafuco Secretary of Defense?
-There’s been a lot of talk about
reparations for black people. My question to you is this: how about reparations
for Italian people? Huh?
-Have you ever been to the Lemon
Ice King of Corona?
I gotta take you there some time – trust me.
-I know you’ve been palling
around with The Boss, but you have to admit that Billy Joel is a much bigger
For John McCain
-I know you don’t believe this because you have more toys
than my cousin Phil Pip who owns three pizzerias on the South Shore (good slice
– by the way), but some of these Democrats think my cigarette boat is bad for
the environment. You got any idea what’s up their asses?
-When you was chained up in Vietnam, did they ever send any
girls in to – ah – take care of ya?
-Is Goldie Locks over there your wife? She’s been checking
me out all night; tell blondie to meet me and Sal over here at CoCo’s in Huntington after this
-I have a friend Hector who
brings me gifts across the border, if you know what I mean. Shouldn’t he be
able to come and go as he chooses?
-How do you feel about them ripping
down national treasures like Shea Stadium with no regard for history or Keith
-I got to tell you that I have a cousin Tony who doesn’t
exactly like girls if you know what I’m talking about. And I have to admit that
I myself don’t have a problem with two young women who happen to be on top of
one another. How do you feel about, well, you know?