With Sarah Palin constantly
setting up tug and blow job jokes with lines about removing gloves and applying
lipstick, only one diversion can lasso my comic attention: John McCain’s age. I
wasn’t going to exploit for political purposes Barack Obama’s opponent’s
senility and malfeasance, but, after last night’s debate, I’m compelled to
graduate from sexism to ageism. Boobs who were upset by my calling Palin a
bitch on Friday should sit this one out; here go 10 New Reasons Why John
McCain Is Too Old To Be President:
10 – He could barely shake Obama’s
hand. I know it’s a war-related injury, but what if shipwreck has to press flesh
with a really tall foreign leader?
9 – The turning signal on the
Straight Talk Express is always blinking regardless of whether McCain is
8 – Just hearing the word eBay clunk
off McCain’s tongue was less comfortable than watching Obama say “mammogram.”
7 – I know I’ve said this before,
but McCain really looks like Dan Aykroyd’s character in "Nothing But Trouble" – Judge
6 – Instead of poking with relevant
jabs wrapped in modern frameworks, McCain compared Obama’s tax policies to
Jell-O. Even that conservative Nazi Bill Cosby thought that joke was flat and
5 – McCain only remembers the
part of Vietnam
when he was held captive – not the part about him flying over villages and dropping
4 – At times McCain can’t distinguish
between Barack Obama’s first and surnames. At one point this past night he
referred to the Illinois
senator as “Obama,” clearly forgetting that was his last name.
3 – McCain admittedly doesn’t “know
what all of us don’t know.” You must be losing it to allege to know that.
2 – He predicted that in the near
future “we’re going to be talking about countries that we don’t know where they
are on a map.” Maybe it’s more geographic ignorance than old age, but that’s
just about the most unsettling line so far this season.
1 – The last nugget to spill from
McCain’s jowls was: “We need a steady hand at the tiller.” Do I really have to extrapolate
here? Was that changed from “steady hand at the cotton gin” at the last minute
to add some contemporary flare?
I’m looking forward
to the hate mail and phone calls that I’ll no doubt receive from those of you
who serve this country but who hate folks such as me who don’t like watching you
die in senseless wars. In fact, I would even ask conservatives to lash back with
their own 10 Reasons Why Barack Obama Is Too Young – or Too Black – To Be
President list, but they’re a humorless bunch; just go see “An American Carol,”
or, better yet, read the comments that are sure to pile up below.