Douchebag terrorist could not grow real beard

The videotape unearthed by the Sunday Times showing two of the Sept. 11 hijackers smiling for a camera, offers clues to the motivations of the hijackers.

It appears that Mohamed Atta could not grow a real beard. Seriously, what a shitty, shitty, Allston-Brighton Hipster beard this assface was sporting. No wonder he was so pissed. So this douchebag shaves off the beard, comes to America, attends our flight schools, patronizes our wonderful strip clubs, eats our delicious Pizza Hut pizza, shops at our convenient Wal-mart and then goes out and performs the biggest terrorist attack on US soil.    

Ziad Jarrah, who piloted Flight 93 (otherwise known as the "tremendous failure which made Allah very upset"), is also on the tape.

Though the United States Intelligence community was unable to decipher what the men are saying on the tape, the crack staff at Slopculture was able to cull a few phrases from the video, which is dated Jan. 18, 2000.

"Goat" "Fucker" "I fucked a goat" "I was drunk" "That wasn't a goat" "Come to think of it, my ass hurts, too"

We're still working on the syntax.