Tom Cruise is Not a Condom Filled with Walnuts: Reacher Creatures Freak

This week wasn't terrible only for Republicans forced to move to Canada: Hollywood dealt Lee Child fans an awful blow. On Wednesday, Entertainment Weekly published the first look at the upcoming film Jack Reacher (pictured above), based on Child's thriller One Shot, named after its protagonist, starring Tom Cruise.

"Cruise doesn’t physically match the hulking Reacher described in Child’s books, which has irked some fans. . ." EW reports. No duh. Last October, I explored the resistance to Cruise in my appreciation of Child's hero and his fans, known as Reacher Creatures. And in January, The Wall Street Journal followed suit with an article about the controversy. 

When the Lee Child Official Facebook page linked to the image on Wednesday afternoon, the fur started to fly--and kept flying. To date, there are over 2,700 responses to the post, most of them overwhelmingly negative. To follow are the reasons why the Reacher Creatures are mad as hell and not taking it anymore.

1. They feel betrayed.

Some Reacher Creatures feel like Lee Child "sold out" for allowing the wee couch-jumper to play Jack Reacher. 

2. Tom Cruise is short.


Mary Anne isn't alone--in addition to "midget," Creatures called Cruise a "dwarf," a "gnome," and a whole host of other short-dude slurs. As far as I know, nobody's yet called him an imp, but it's only a matter of time. 

3. Tom Cruise is a weenie.

Some are mad that Cruise isn't as tough as the real Reacher, who Child has described, as a commenter on points out, as "a condom filled with walnuts."

4. Tom Cruise is a Scientologist. 

 'Nuff said, Nathan Pegg. And I'm not touching this one: 

6. Christopher McQuarrie has a terrible track record.

Yikes, I had forgotten about this movie, and it was, indeed, terrible. OT, but Mr. Sommersby had another winning point: 


7. ???

People even hate this movie in OTHER LANGUAGES.


"Liam Nissen ehhhh" indeed!


As for me, I agree with them. I'm pretty bummed that Tom Cruise is playing Jack Reacher, when Jack Reacher could be played by the rougher, FAR hotter Clive Owen (sorry, Roddy). Then again, I can't understand why all the Creatures are being so cavalier with their insults--look what happened to Oprah. 


Perhaps because they fear Ole Lightning Fingers, a few Creatures came to the film's defense:



I don't want to shut my fricken hole, but I will. Before I do, I'd be remiss not to mention my favorite comment (presumably addressed to Lee Child himself): 

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