With any luck, five of the acting Oscar nominations will go
to actors playing characters with Boston accents. Maybe they should have a
separate category for this, because the roles are becoming almost a cinema stereotype.
Here are seven criteria for an Oscar-worthy Boston accented performance:
1. Borderline psychotic
2. Criminal and/or jail time
3. Creepily close sibling
4. Addict or alcoholic
6. Local sports reference
Here's how the leading candidates stack up:
Jeremy Renner as Jem in "The Town"
1. Ranges in stability between his bomb squad character in
"The Hurt Locker" and the serial killer in "Dahmer."
2. Did time for killing some guy. Robs armored cars and
banks. And that's when he's being nice.
3. Very tight with his crack addicted sister, the mother of
his best friend's child
4. Likes beer but mostly addicted to testosterone and rage.
5. Only leaves Charlestown
to pull off heists.
6. Beats the shit out of someone while wearing a ski mask. Robs Fenway
7. Better than local co-star/director Ben Affleck's.
Sam Rockwell as Kenny Roberts in "Conviction"
1. Stay away from him when he's drinking. Which is always...
2. ...except when he's serving life for a murder he didn't
3. He and his sister are inseparable, so when goes to jail
she gets a law degree to get him out.
4. See #1.
5. His hometown is the local bah and packie.
6. Can't think of
any, though the film does mention Martha Coakley, whose ignorance about Curt
Schilling may have cost her the Senate election.
7. If there's an Ayer, Mass. accent, he's nailed it.
Juliette Lewis as Roseanna Perry in "Conviction"
1. Is it madness or love to stay with a guy who knocked your
2. Probably has a record which is why the Ayer cops can pressure her
into testifying against Kenny (see above).
3. Comes between Kenny and his sister.
4. It's nine in the morning and you're giving a legal
deposition and you're already drunk.You tell me.
5. Her hometown is a trailer park.
6. See #6 above.
7. Though she's only on screen for ten minutes, she deserves
an Oscar nod if only for the way she says, "I was RAIL... ROAD!"
Christiane Bale as Dickie Ecklund in "The Fighter"
1. Taking on the Lowell
police force and getting your boxer brother's hand broken while acting as his
trainer isn't crazy, is it?
2. ...which resulted in him being finally put away after being
arrested some 30 times before.
3. He taught his kid brother Mickie everything he knows. And
his seven harridan sisters would kill for him.
4. When he's not working hard getting arrested or getting
his brother's hand broken he's taking it easy at the local crack house.
5. and 6. He's the Pride of Lowell, knocking down Sugar Ray
in the ring -- unless Sugar Ray actually slipped.
7. As good as Renner's accent. On crack.
Amy Adams as Charlene in "The Fighter"
1. You've got to be a little crazy to stay in a relationship
with Mickey Ward, his seven harridan sisters, his virago mother (played in
another Boston accented, award worthy
performance by Melissa Leo, to add to her one as the hostile Ayer cop in "Conviction")
2. Apparently not, though Mickey's sister's refer to her as the "MTV girl."
3. If she marries Mickey she'll be getting some interesting
4. Has a few when working at the bah.
5. Went to college, so I guess not.
6. Helps manage Mickey so he can win the championship.
7. Has a way with the phrase "fahk you!"