Top 10 girlfriend metal predictions for 2012

Note: Earlier this year, Phoenix music writer Janssen McCormick kicked up a shitstorm when he created the Girlfriend Metal fan page on Facebook. With nearly a thousand fans and just as many debates on the subject, the notion of Girlfriend Metal was viciously addressed in our August Metal Issue. Now, Janssen has issued his Top 10 Girlfriend Metal Predictions for 2012, and we're already excitedly bursting out of our Kylesa footie pajamas. 

Top 10 Girlfriend Metal Predictions for 2012

10. GHOST announce an exclusive merchandising deal with Claire's. Surging sales make Claire's the only retail outlet, like Taco Bell in Demolition Man except with more Scooby Dooby Doom.

9. Upon discovering their redshift, physicists at the LARGE HADRON COLLIDER determine that vaginas move away from Opeth fans at a rate that will place them in the Andromeda Galaxy in a mere 2 million years.

8. The BLACK TWILIGHT CIRCLE effects pedal addiction will reach a point where their songs are indistinguishable from that "Justin Beiber 800% slower" video on youtube. As a money making scheme they will simply release Bieber's track as Kuxan Suum in a 4 MiniDisc run.

7. Following a growth spurt, Erik Danielsson of WATAIN will finally be tall enough to ride the Yankee Cannonball at Canobie Lake.

6. Completely tapped for genres to trend hop, Southern Lord signs DISTURBED.

5. RITES OF DARKNESS rocks the metal world by announcing an exclusive set from Cliff Burton, Phil Lynott, Denis D'Amour, Chuck Schuldiner and Euronymous. A week before the fest they will begin soliciting donations to hire Dr. Herbert West to insure things go off without a hitch.

4. A rag-tag group of snarky Brooklyn elitists successfully raid KYLESA'S merch shipments, disrupting supply lines and hewing unrest among the girlfriend horde.

3. On a special edition of Monday Night Raw, DEVIN TOWNSEND tears off his mask to reveal that it was him Austin, it was Chad Kroeger all along.

2. MASTODON will continue to produce "the most technical music ever" according to 13-year-old youtube commenters and that asshole at work who looks like cargo shorts enthusiast, Kevin Smith.

1. Kotex will turn the feminine hygiene market on its head by introducing GRAVELAND picture sanitary napkins; combining girlfriend pleasing absorption with metal cred absorbing photographs of everyone's favorite white supremacist LARPer.