By now we're all familiar with Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain's 999 plan. We don't understand it - because it doesn't make much sense - but we know about it, and are now aware of how devastating it would be on people who are not former chief executives of mega fast food chains.
Like any self-hating black Republican, candidate Cain has expressed contempt for rap, hip-hop, or whatever it is that communities of color are listening to these days. But while he's a confessed gospel aficionado, we all know that Jesus isn't saving shit. In fact the damn guy doesn't even exist. Never did.
With that said, Cain needs some hip-hop heads to handle shit. As we saw with Barack Obama and the wave of MC support that helped catapult him into office, pols can only win with the rap community by their side. Cain likes to stick to his nines, so we thought these cabinet appointments could help push the top GOP contender through the roof.
Beretta 9 - Killarmy Chief of Staff
Nine - Secretary of Health & Human Services
9th Prince - US Ambassador to Saudi Arabia
Tech N9ne - Director of Homeland Security
K'Naan (pronounced: Cain-9) - Ambassador to the United Nations
9th Wonder - Minister of the Beats