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One Last Whack At The Grammy Awards

 

I planned to let the Grammys slide this year. After all, the show has become – or always has been, really – an overblown celebration of unabashed mediocrity. When people, including my mother, suggest that I should tune in because I’m a music critic, I want to spoon their brains out with a melon baller.

Not even Lil Wayne’s gaining exalted Grammy status drove me over the immediate edge, and I hate that dude. It’s Thursday already, and, with the exception of the woman who I verbally assaulted on the Orange Line for singing Alison Krauss out loud, I haven’t said a damn thing.

But I can’t help it anymore. This morning I read a list of the senseless collaborations that went down Sunday night, and I’m disgusted. In order to ease some pain, I’m assigning band names for these ungodly conglomerates. Of course, you should feel more than free to relieve yourself as well down in the comments section.

This exercise won’t change anything; this year’s awards gained two million new viewers, so my hypothesis about the Internet turning more heads towards interesting and eclectic music was clearly way off. This is for those of you whose blood also fizzes every year around Grammy time, but who keep silent to avoid sounding like complete snobs. Like Jim “The Hammer” Shapiro – I’m your S.O.B.


Taylor Swift + Miley Cyrus = Vision of Eating Disorders

Radiohead + the University of Southern California marching band = Fellatiohead

The Jonas Brothers + Stevie Wonder = The Blindstreet Boys

Duke Fakir (of the Four Tops) + Ne-Yo + Smokey Robinson + Jamie Foxx = Four Generations of Vapid Black Pop Fare

Kanye West + Estelle = Hymen and Mooseknuckle

Dave Grohl + Sir Paul McCartney = The Shitty Beatles

Al Green + Justin Timberlake + Boyz II Men + Keith Urban = The Poo-Tang Clan

Buddy Guy + John Mayer + B.B. King = OREO Speedwagon

Coldplay + Jay-Z = Ice Coldplay

Alison Krauss + Robert Plant = Limp Triscuit

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