Jonas Brothers fans declare war on Boston Phoenix

Published Mar 28 2008, 05:28 PM by Carly Carioli

ThePhoenix.com's editorial staff was found cowering under its desks this afternoon after pre-teen fans of the kidz-bopping pop band Jonas Brothers launched an all-out flame war against the site, many screaming in ALL-CAPS and threatening to crash the servers -- all this because editors added Kevin, the eldest Jonas Bro, to the site's annual list of the 100 Unsexiest Men in the World. Here's what ThePhoenix.com had to say about Kevin:

[20] KEVIN JONAS
AGING BOY-BANDER

This past year, young Nick Jonas was rumored to be dating Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus. Which quickly led to a rumor that perhaps Miley was dating his brother Joe on the side. One thing it didn’t lead to? A rumor that she was dating Kevin. That’s because the oldest and least talented of the three Jonas Bros. is a doofus, red-headed stepchild to his sizzling siblings. Add up other less-talented musical brothers Dennis Wilson, Tito Jackson, and Dave Davies, then divide by the square root of Danny Bonaduce, and you begin to get the not-so-pretty picture.

In response, the Jonas Brothers' legendary fan community has lit up the Unsexy poll with over 1000 comments in less than 36 hours, once again proving to be one of the largest threats on teh webternet. If you don't believe us, imagine a couple million incensed tweens wired on Dr. Pepper, armed with typing skillz honed by hours and hours of daily OMG txt-messaging. "Kevin Jonas is achieving ultimate success with thousands of legal hotties just begging to get in his pants," said one female fan. (Alas, unless Kevin converts to some cultish offshoot of Mormonism, these legal hotties will all be out of luck, since Kevin's pants are saving themselves for marriage).

"SO YOUR MAKING FUN OF HIM BECAUSE HES 20 YEARS OLD THAT DOSNT MAKE ANY SENSE!!!!!!" shouted another commenter. "O AND BTW THATS CALLED DISCRIMINATION AND ITS FROWNED UPON VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Following this post, futures in the exclamation-point trade hit record highs. Officials at the Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination said that discriminating against 20-year-olds was not a prosecutable offense, but added that "If you were dumb enough to piss off the Jonas mafia, you're getting exactly what you deserve." Touche, sirs.

Other fans attempted to take ThePhoenix.com to school. "This 'untalented' rocker is one of THE best guitarists i have EVER heard," said one commenter. "And also, he is SO dedicated, wen he was first learning the guitar, he was staying home, because he was sick...and then he pretended to be sick JUST so he could practice more...another thing...KEVIN IS MUFASA, yeah, He's king of the land, he'll come smack you with the back of his hand!"

After several hours of research, thePhoenix.com's legendary fact-checking department confirmed that Kevin Jonas is indeed Mufasa. Simba and Sarabi, however, could not be reached for comment. If you want to keep tabs on the Jonas Army's assault on the Phoenix, just click below:

LINK: Kevin Jonas named in Top 20 of World's Unsexiest Men