Pizza, pizza

1. How many bridge-and-tunnel glossies does it take to give Aerosmith's singer a handjob? Both of them, apparently. We love a front row seat for a nasty media war, and Boston Magazine has apparently fired off its opening screw-you in the general direction of incoming interloper Boston Common, a new high-end, large-format admat that's shelling out gazillions in an effort to become the new bible for our fair city's sorta-rich and barely-famous. Two weeks ago, Boston Common leaked details of its inaugural issue to the Herald's Inside Track, touting an interview with (and more-faggy-than-ususal-looking cover photo of) clothing designer and young-at-heart dadrocker Steven Tyler. Maybe it leaked a little too early, since Boston Mag had time to counter with its own Steven Tyler cover story -- one entirely unencumbered by its lack of interview and cover photo (don't know if you can tell on the jpeg, but that's a painting). Which leaves us asking the obvious question: does anybody care about Steven Tyler anymore? Maybe they do in a city where he isn't on the cover of every magazine on the newsstand 13 months a year.

2. And we dunno who said you can't judge a book by its cover, but that's plain wrong: these two issues are just as dead on the inside. Boston Mag's "15 Best Boston Bands of All-Time" list -- sorry, the "15 All-Time Boston Musicians We Love," proving they've got even less in the way of balls than they have in taste -- is as follows, in ascending order: Boston, Burma, Donna Summer, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Aimee Mann, Cars, Pixies, Carly Simon, Jo Dee Messina, J Geils Band, Godsmack, New Edition, Morphine, the Click Five.

OK, full stop, deep breath.

Staind and New Kids on the Block are gonna be crushed.

3. Let's try to figure out which chooch wrote their unsigned "Top 50 Boston Songs," shall we? (wild guess, entirely conjecture) Um, Extreme's "More Than Words" (#27) -- that's how much better than Aerosmith's "Mama Kin" (#28), again? -- is listed a full ten spots lower than "Where'd You Go" (#15), which for the record was a far more annoying Bosstones radio hit (around here anyway) than their worldwide hockey-rink anthem "The Impression That I Get" (#36). Other petty gripes: Letters To Cleo's "Awake" (#50) is half as good as Robin Lane and the Chartbusters' "When Things Go Wrong" (#25)? The fuck outta here. Even blatant bids for street cred -- the inclusion of Gang Green's "Alcohol" and SSD's "How Much Art," which we hereby challenge Paul Robicheau to hum 12 bars of -- are muffed by their completely retarded sense of perspective. Like saying Human Sexual Response's "Land of the Glass Pine Cones" (#33) is better than motherfucking "Academy Fight Song" (#35). My ass.

4. Guess which is which:


5. For those of you who only read the Sunday Times, and therefore missed this on Saturday, here's the videoblogger who set Katrina news footage to Green Day's "Wake Me Up When September Ends," which, sayeth the Times, "fits the lyrics like a glove."

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