Asteroids, and Other Inevitable Adaptations

 While Asteroids is a classic game, remembered fondly by many a nostalgic 30-something, it is not the most story-heavy item on the market; but will not stop Universal from milking the franchise for everything it can. The studio won the rights for the film two years ago, but it collected dust on a shelf for months until it was polished off and handed to director Roland Emmerich.

The million-dollar question: How one can tell a marketable story about a small v-shaped ship roaming a black background, shooting small white dots at any amorphous blobs that get in its way? But if anyone can do it, it's Emmerich, explosion-happy director of 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, and Independence Day. The script has been penned by Matt Lopez, writer of The Sorcerer's Apprentice and 2009's Race to Witch Mountain -- so a children's movie about fiery apocalypse seems inevitable.

It all sounds like some kind of elaborate troll by The Onion, especially given the recent fake trailers for film adaptations of classic games that have gone viral recently (Oregon Trail, Pacman, Minesweeper). But this is for real, even if the inevitable Internet hatestorm is screaming for it not to be so.

Since everything is being adapted into movies these days anyway (we're still waiting for a 200-minute 3D feature on the life and times of the Quaker Oats man), Laser Orgy has compiled a list of predictions of what the next game-to-film adaptations will be.

Space Invaders
Who Will Direct It? James Cameron
Given his love for alien stories and his giant warehouse full of money, a big-budget adaptation of Space Invaders looks like a good fit for Cameron. It will tell a riveting anti-corporate, anti-technology, our-love-was-not-meant-to-be story about the pilot of a doomed laser-cannon ship and his complicated relationship with one of the sexy alien invaders

Duck Hunt
Who Will Direct It? Joel and Ethan Coen
The Coen brothers are the only directors capable of handling the senselessly violent source material of Duck Hunt, and the film will involve an insane gunslinging animal-hater's rampage against several thousand ducks and one irritating brown dog.

Tetris
Who Will Direct It? Christopher Nolan
A team of American scientists/soldiers/conmen will be trapped in a Soviet falling-brick factory. There will be some kind of surprising ending, likely having to do with a revelation that the bricks disappear if you organize them just so.

Sonic the Hedgehog
Who Will Direct It? M Night Shamylan
People will spend money to have it made, but no one will spend money to see it.