Whether it's to flags, fraternities, or charities, privileged douchebags love pledging allegiance. That goes double for this season's presidential candidates; more than ever before, Republicans are being asked to sign promises ensuring that, if elected, they will protect the rights of white Christian heterosexuals. The rush is understandable; according to right-wing political consultant Grant Hewitt, "If there wasn't such a distrust in elected officials, you wouldn't have a need for pledges."
Of course, the conservative luna-sphere can't take all the credit for this endless pledge drive. Media outlets of all stripes have fed the frenzy, forsaking meaningful reporting and analysis for constant updates on who signed what, and who got pissed off as a result. With that said, the current conservative pledge matrix, when considered as a whole, actually serves an important purpose: it shows how childish and bigoted these candidates — and their kingmakers — truly are.
THE MARRIAGE VOW
HASHTAG #takethevow
DESCRIPTION Candidates must oppose same-sex marriage in order to save women from prostitution, porn, and abortion. Basic stuff, really, but this has been the most controversial pledge yet, as an early version stated that "a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA's first African-American president."
MESSIAH The guy getting all the flak (and publicity) here is BOB VANDER PLAATS of the Family Leader, an Iowa-based Christian organization that stands for "God's truths," humility, and limiting the rights of gays and lesbians. Vander Plaats, an Iowa activist and operative who headed Mike Huckabee's state campaign in 2008, won 41 percent of the vote in last year's GOP gubernatorial primary — in case you needed more evidence of why Iowa should not guide the nation electorally.
WHO SIGNED Michele Bachmann (Rick Santorum has committed, but didn't sign)
ELECTORAL REPERCUSSIONS Nothing good for suspiciously lisp-y first-husband hopeful Marcus Bachmann.
