For your edifying consumption, another stroll through the wasteland of godawful publicity:
NOTHING'S SEXIER THAN SMOOTH JAZZ ON HD RADIO THIS VALENTINE SEASON! | I thought I was a couple of weeks too late to mention this one, but then I noticed it's talking about not Valentine's Day but Valentine Season. I guess they upgraded it to a season to sell more chalk heart candies, which is a pretty boss idea — I think I'm gonna file the paperwork to seasonalize my birthday. August through December is all me, baby. But I digress: this release is effing ridiculous from stem to stern.
Opening line: "Chocolates and roses again? Been there, gotten that!" Ooh, that enormous past participle is so ruggedly erotic! That's the throbbing tense of a musky highwayman — I've "gotten" all hot and bothered just looking at it. It goes on to suggest that your Valentine Season would go much better if you traded candy and flowers for Kenny G and George Benson. Which is great romantic advice if you want to die of extensive furious stabbing.
Further lovely verbiage: "Because meeting Smooth Jazz on HD Radio was fate, becoming HD Radio's friend was a simple and easy choice, but falling in love with Smooth Jazz on HD Radio, now that's a perfect Love Story." Emphasis — yes, bold and italic — is theirs. Hey, if I came up with a punch line that good, I'd showboat a little too.
JUSTICE THROUGH MUSIC AND OP-CRITICAL RELEASE NEW MUSIC VIDEOS REJECTING WAR AND PESSIMISM | This release is a good indication of why the anti-Bush protest music wasn't as good as the anti-Reagan stuff, despite a wealth of protestable material: the Bush years were so over-the-swing-set ridiculous that the music often overplayed its hand and became comical and apocalyptic. Behold this masterpiece by Op-Critical:
"In 'Fear Not,' the protagonist represents all those who were driven crazy by the constant propaganda and fear mongering of the Bush Administration. Finally, he had enough and turned off the radio, smashed the TV, and led the people to round up George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Condi Rice to send them off for 'rehabilitation.' "
Nothing puts the cherry on top of a nice revenge fantasy like stooping to the villain's level. I checked out the video from morbid curiosity, and in addition to the aforementioned comicalness, it's plain goddamn terrible. In fact, I'm willing to give it my highest Joe Bob Briggs–style so-bad-it's-good endorsement. Search "Op-Critical — Fear Not" on YouTube to see for yourself.
TED NUGENT'S VALENTINE'S DAY PLAYLIST | Watchful editor Lance Gould sent me this gem: the Nuge has, for no identifiable reason, created a romantic playlist for Valentine's Day. (Since I slipped that other one in way past its expiration date, I figure I can get away with this, too — it's still Valentine Season, right?) In case you were wondering how a soul-patched conservative luminary gets slinky after a long, bloody day of de-antlering slain ungulates — and I know it's almost freaky because you were just wondering exactly that on the train this morning — here's the list:
1 Howlin' Wolf, "Wang Dan Doodle"
2 Cheap Trick, "The Flame"
3 AC/DC, "Whole Lotta Rosie"
4 Ted Nugent, "Wango Tango"
5 Percy Sledge, "When a Man Loves a Woman"
6 Otis Redding, "I've Been Lovin' You Too Long"
7 Foreigner, "Feels like the First Time"
8 Ted Nugent, "My Love Is like a Tire Iron"
9 The Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
10 Ted Nugent, "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang"
A perfect set to throw on the stereo if you want to prove to your lover that your affection is so consuming that you've totally lost your marbles. Notice that the word "wang" appears three times — exactly the same number of times that Ted himself appears. Coincidence? Or is he a dick? (Take note of awesome smooth-jazz-quality punch line).