Clockwise from top left: de Rossi, Harris, Burtka, MacFarlane, Miller, Nixon, Marinoni, and DeGeneres. |
The recent California Supreme Court ruling that gives same-sex couples the right to marry is a civil victory for the Golden State LGBT community, and will, we hope, continue to pave the way for other states to pull their heads out of their antiquated, homophobic asses and stop clinging to irrelevant biblical tenets and the skewed notion that a “family” is defined by its ratio of penis to vagina. But enough about political justice; bring on the celebrity weddings! We’ve tritely but lovingly taken the liberty of helping our favorite Hollywood gay and lesbian couples plan their nuptials. You’re welcome, guys.
Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi
The Emmy Award–winning talk-show host and Australian small-screen siren (of Ally McBeal and Arrested Development fame) hooked up in 2004 and have been mutually devoted ever since. The day after the California Supreme Court announced its gay-marriage decision, DeGeneres made an announcement of her own: she fully intended to make it legal with her long-time love. No word on whether the union between this limelight-loving couple will be taped in front of a live studio audience.
OFFICIATED BY the indignant ghost of Jerry Falwell
LOCATION under a spotlight
FLOWERS Calla Lilies
FAVORS puppies, which will be seized immediately after your children bond with them
BAND Justin Timberlake, or nothing!
OBLIGATORY DANCE CRAZE the “Ellen” of course. Freestyle awkwardly to ’70s pop music while millions of housewives cheer you on.
SELECTED READINGThe Man Inside Me by Dr. Tobias Fünke
Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni
From Sex and the City to same-sex and the city, Nixon shocked the world by ditching her (male) partner of 15 years, Danny Mozes — with whom she has two children — and proclaiming her soul mate to be education activist Marinoni, who continues to astound gawkers with her unfortunate resemblance to Danny Bonaduce. The crimson-headed couplet, who keep their relationship relatively under the radar, have been going strong since 2003, and are still red hot for each other.
OFFICIATED BY cat-fighting Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall, with Kristen Davis trying desperately to get in a word
WEDDING PARTY the Partridge Family
FLOWERS lady slippers
FIRST DANCE “Sally Cinnamon” by the Stone Roses
FAVORS Manolo Blahniks and Doc Martens
THE CAKE layers of carrot cake and gingerbread
Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka
The child prodigy (paging Dr. Doogie!) and his Broadway-thespian love kept their relationship under wraps for quite a while, until Internet gossip prompted Harris to publicly come out, in quietly classy fashion. Burtka, whose work has included a guest appearance on his man’s smash sitcom, How I Met Your Mother, seems to be just what the doctor ordered; rumor (and who doesn’t implicitly trust rumors?) has it that the couple has been together since 2006.
OFFICIATED BY that loveable goofball Vinnie Delpino
FLOWERS titan arums (also known as penis flowers)
WEDDING PARTY the entire cast of Rent
SELECTED READINGAn Ideal Husband by Oscar Wilde
FIRST DANCE “Dr. Feelgood” by Motley Crue
ON THE MENU burgers from White Castle
OBLIGATORY DANCE CRAZE the Tootsie Roll
Luke Macfarlane and Wentworth Miller
They’ve yet to even admit they’re a couple — MacFarlane only recently came out publicly, and Miller still hasn’t — but ever since these two “bestest buds” were first spotted together in 2007, tongues have been wagging and women have been mourning. The Brothers & Sisters star and his Prison Break hunk are often spotted strolling casually together, hands crammed pointedly into pockets, which, of course, only goes to further fan the flame. If unconfirmed gossip and scheming speculation is any indication, these perfect specimens have carried their relationship far beyond the boundaries of bro-mance.
LOCATION Gold’s Gym
WEDDING PARTY scads of bawling teenage girls
SELECTED READING you guessed it: Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx
ON THE MENU nothin’ but beef
FIRST DANCE “Secret Lover” by Atlantic Starr
BAND none — a DJ will spin selections from Jock Jams, Volume 1 exclusively
FAVORS non-disclosure agreements
Sara Faith Alterman, who’s up for dancing at anyone’s wedding, can be reached at salterman@thephoenix.com.
