Roadhouse vs. Star Wars: Could Obi Wan kick Wade Garret's ass? No

Published Aug 04 2006, 05:03 PM by webteam

Fans stormed the Slop Culture offices last week demanding a retraction of our story that claimed that Roadhouse, Rowdy Huffington's 1989 masterpiece, had replaced Star Wars as the ultimate movie to reference (otherwise know as the "if you're still saying 'That's no moon, it's a space station' when a stripper first unveils her boobies at the club, you need to get some new fuckin lines" post)
"Is Kelly Lynch hotter than Carrie Fisher?" asked one fan with a smirk. "Is the Death Star deadlier than the Double Deuce?" asked another.
But the big question was posed by IG88fan14 (cause IG88fan1-13 were taken by bigger fans of the droid bounty hunter):
"Could Wade Garret kick Obi Wan Kenobi's ass?"

In a word? Yes.

Here's the deal. We're just talking about the original Star Wars here. No prequels (you don't want to go there). So we're dealing with two old men who play a very similar role of the "wise old man," in Joseph Campbell terms. While Luke follows the more traditional seperation-initiation-return cycle of the hero and gets his old man early, Dalton's old man comes in later as a quasi-helper role. Both die in the end.

They are pretty equal in the fighting categoy. Obi-wan (using a weapon), beats up two guys in a bar.
Wade Garrett beats up three, including a giant of a man, as shown here. (yes, he's hitting his nuts).

In their second fight, both of them lose.

Obi Wan gets points for controlling people's minds. Garrett gets points for his hair.

But in the end, we're talking about references--movie lines to use amongst your friends that don't make you look like a dick.
As we show you here, Wade Garrett comes out on top.

On rowdy spots:
Obi Wan: "Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."
Wade Garrett: "This place has a sign hangin' over the urinal that says, 'Don't eat the big white mint.'

On fighting:
Obi Wan: "The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded."
Wade Garrett: "If you wanna bring a man down, always go for the knees."

On death:
Obi Wan: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine."
Wade Garrett: "I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead."

But this one's the kicker:
Obi Wan: "These aren't the droids you're looking for."
Garrett: "That gal's got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that."

Pretty lucky that Slop Culture was the first blog to quantify this battle. But, in our experience, there's no such thing as luck.
R2luver, Endor78, and Mayhewisgod--bring on the comments!