Not that you give a shit, but here's the press release:
"Bolstered by a tough defensive effort that limited NFL MVP Shaun Alexander to just 70 yards rushing and sacked Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck four times, the Pittsburgh Steelers won their fifth overall Super Bowl championship in a game simulated by EA SPORTS, downing the Seahawks 24-19 in a preview of what might happen in Super Bowl XL.
It took 25 years, but Major Bren Derlin is finally getting his due. Hasbro has just released an action figure of Derlin, who was played by John Ratzenberger, Cliff Clavin of Cheers fame. Don't remember Major Derlin? He's the Alliance Field Office who must make the tough decision to close the giant doors on the Ice Planet Hoth, leaving Luke and Han out there in the cold.
Yes, the King, though oddly alluring, has already found a comfy home in your nightmare fantasy file next to that scary clown from Poltergeist and this guy you found surfing on the web one day. But Burger King now has 92 more things to fuck with your head. 92 Whopperettes will dance around in a 1930s-style musical commercial/video to be played during the Super Bowl -- BK's first big game ad in 11 years.
Aileen Wuornos has nothing on Juana Barraza. The 48-year-old Mexican woman who wrestled under the name "The Silent Lady" has been accused of killing 11 elderly women in Mexico City. After her arrest last week (which police say occurred as she was leaving an 82-year-old woman's house after strangling her with a stethoscope), police found a statue of Santa Muerte and the head of a snake in a jar inside her apartment.
"We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' creme brulee," said Ann Coulter when discussing abortion at Philander Smith College on Thursday. "That's just a joke, for you in the media." And Slop Culture is eating up that poison with a spoon. This story is being passed around the Internet like nude pics of Lindsay Lohan or stories of Fred Savage going to a gay bar
On the episode of the Simpsons where the comet was about to crash into the earth, anchorman Kent Brockman ended his newscast with a scroll outing every gay celebrity (slow the scroll down and the list actually includes only members of the Simpsons staff). America's fixation on which movie stars are gay is even more potent than our fixation on which movie stars are short
The man who landed Kate Moss on the cover of Daily Mirror prepping a line of powder pulled off a supercool feat today. Pete Doherty, former Libertines frontman, current singer for Babyshambles, and Great Britain's new version of Syd Barrett was arrested today at about 3pm. Police picked him up trolling around Whitechapel and charged him with Class A drug possession.
The cover of the new Rolling Stone features Kanye West in a Jesus pose. A bit like the pic of Howard Stern which was originally slated for the cover in '97 but ran on the inside of the magazine. Here's the image, along with this disturbing painting of Stern as Christ by Elizabeth Fox. Freaky.
"The man you just killed was just released from prison. He got caught at a company warehouse full of hot items. He could've fuckin' walked. All he had to do was say my dad's name, but he didn't; he kept his fucking mouth shut. And did his fuckin' time, and he did it like a man. He did four years for us. So, Mr. Orange, you're tellin' me this very good friend of mine, who did four years for my father, who in four years never made a deal, no matter what they dangled in front of him, you're telling me that now, that now this man is free, and we're making good on our commitment to him, he's just gonna decide, out of the fucking blue, to rip us off? Why don't you tell me what really happened?"
Two words: Disney iPod.
After telling Michael Eisner to go to hell just a few years ago, Steve Jobs is now the majority shareholder in Walt Disney Company, now that Eisner's replacement, Bob Iger, gave the Mac man the keys to the kingdom in the form of a $7.4 billion deal. Is it worth it? Sure, but only because Disney's homegrown studio wouldn't know a good story if it swam up and bit them on their public-domain-cribbing asses (save Lilo & Stitch, of course).
Hero Builders, the company that brought you the Talking Osama action figure (soundchip: "I suck, please stop bombing me.") and the Talking Uday action figure (left; soundchip: "Oh, someone must help me, I'm still alive but I'm badly burned. Can someone call my father!"), has brought out a few new action figures into its 12-inch stable.