Impending End of Civilization news, the word around the Twittersphere [again] is that Jersey Shore's No.1 meatball is maybe, probably, most
likely knocked up. Which is just the worst on so many levels. Assuming she manages to carry her gremlin spawn to term, the likelihood that this kid is not
born pickled, with fetal gonorrhea syndrome (that's a thing, right?) and with physical and mental capacities bottoming out somewhere around the first couple of percentiles are approximately one million to zero.
This weekend, while the entire Granite State was gripped with #FITN fever, our operatives leapt into the fray -- even infiltrating the Newt Gingrich phone bank -- to bring you only the finest in Robitussin-splashed gonzo campaign-trail journalism. No Vermin Supreme antic has gone unnoticed, no Santorum joke unmade.
best way to comprehend the nuts and bolts of the American political
machine is to work for it. And so I did. For Newt Gingrich.
in downtown Manch next to a cigar shop, the office broadcasts the
message that Newt wants you to know that the good people of New
Hampshire like him. Really like him.
only way to really dive into an early morning presidential debate is with a
little cough syrup. Or actually a lot of cough syrup. And so I swallowed a
gallon and went to check the happenings in Concord. This is not a metaphor.
The Occupy posse
was there. In full effect. And so were Ron Paul's homeys.
Enough with all the bullshit about how much New Hampshire residents
know about politics. And about how everyone who lives here has had
numerous dinner dates with each of the candidates, in which they've
discussed Iranian nuclear proliferation over porterhouses. It's
nonsense, and if you don't believe me, then ask any average
“undecided” voter what they think of Rick Santorum's foreign
policy, or Ron Paul's vintage collection of Nike Airs.
Dispatch from Boston Phoenix New Hampshire correspondent Dan McCarthy:
– Rick Santorum wants to be like Ronald Reagan in the 1980 campaign
New Hampshire Primary. He wants to compare his plight here against
Mitt Romney to how the Gipper came around and whooped George H. W.
Bush, who eventually conceded and accepted the VP nod.
Oh, Rick Santorum. We're so going to enjoy your all-too-brief sojourn as a serious presidential candidate.
RICK SANTORUM: I DIDN'T SAY BLACK PEOPLE, I SAID BLAH PEOPLE. Did Santorum really equate black folks with welfare recipients? No, no no no. You must have misunderstood. Rick Santorum would never do that. Certainly not in front of a bunch of cameras during a town hall full of white folks in Iowa, a state where less than 10 percent of welfare recipients are black.
realized soon into today's Manchester Town Hall why John McCain had
to endorse Mitt Romney. It never dawned on me before, but it seems
that the senator from Arizona's wife shares a blonde helmet with
Callista Gingrich. If forced to appear next to each other, one would
have to wear a yellow mop bucket.
Republican presidential slate ain't Seinfeld's posse (though some
share views on race with Michael Richards). That's for sure. Despite
it being 2012 and all, for GOP shitpiles there is something
wrong with being gay, unless of course you're married to a candidate
and still in the closet.
we've seen over the past few months, this is the most shamelessly
homophobic group of idiots imaginable, with one White House wannabe –
who has more gay rumors circulating about him than John Travolta –
going so far as to mock Brokeback Mountain in a campaign ad.