Look, he's not releasing his taxes. OK? We all know that's just a Democratic ploy to make us hate rich people. Well, on second thought: maybe. HARHARHAR. No, really, sorry, South Carolina: he'll release them right away, sirs. Some of them. He thinks. OK: just last year's. But that's it, Florida! Unless you choose Newt! In which case: whothefuckknows!

MITT ROMNEY still isn't eager to release his tax records (last night he said he'd maybe let you look at them in April, but he's not ready to commit). And as everyone knows, it's not because anyone thinks he's breaking the law. It's just because Mitt Romney has an obscene amount of money.

That isn't supposed to matter, because Republicans aren't supposed to have an envy problem -- it's totally OK if some guy makes way, way, way more money than them.

Sports radio guy and notorious pants salesman DAMON AMENDOLARA breaks it down: RICK PERRY is the Houston Texans: meaning he has no chance. NEWT GINGRICH? The Baltimore Ravens: a long shot to win, has a shaky reputation, known for making bad decisions in the past. Broncos? That would be the Tebow-ish RICK SANTORUM: preachy, really conservative, and we're all ready for his exit.

Everyone's favorite Sunday-morning NBC debate zinger got its own website -- albeit a Z-grade, 12-year-old-with-a-geocities-account type website. But there's plenty to love about StopRomeysPiousBaloney.com -- for one thing, the Baloney-meter. For another, idiot-proof social-media buttons to share on Facebook and Twitter.

This weekend, while the entire Granite State was gripped with #FITN fever, our operatives leapt into the fray -- even infiltrating the Newt Gingrich phone bank -- to bring you only the finest in Robitussin-splashed gonzo campaign-trail journalism. No Vermin Supreme antic has gone unnoticed, no Santorum joke unmade.

The best way to comprehend the nuts and bolts of the American political machine is to work for it. And so I did. For Newt Gingrich.

Situated in downtown Manch next to a cigar shop, the office broadcasts the message that Newt wants you to know that the good people of New Hampshire like him. Really like him.

About half our crew is still staggering around New Hampshire with those maniacs from the GOP, who continue to embarass themselves and their party. That goes double for the frontrunner, our old friend Mittens, who will probably lock up the nomination tomorrow -- much to the delight of progressives, whose job is right now being done for them by Newt Gingrich and his merry band of political suicide bombers.

Sometimes the only way to really dive into an early morning presidential debate is with a little cough syrup. Or actually a lot of cough syrup. And so I swallowed a gallon and went to check the happenings in Concord. This is not a metaphor.

The Occupy posse was there. In full effect. And so were Ron Paul's homeys.

Enough with all the bullshit about how much New Hampshire residents know about politics. And about how everyone who lives here has had numerous dinner dates with each of the candidates, in which they've discussed Iranian nuclear proliferation over porterhouses. It's nonsense, and if you don't believe me, then ask any average “undecided” voter what they think of Rick Santorum's foreign policy, or Ron Paul's vintage collection of Nike Airs.

Dispatch from Boston Phoenix New Hampshire correspondent Dan McCarthy:

MANCHESTER – Rick Santorum wants to be like Ronald Reagan in the 1980 campaign New Hampshire Primary. He wants to compare his plight here against Mitt Romney to how the Gipper came around and whooped George H. W. Bush, who eventually conceded and accepted the VP nod.

Oh, Rick Santorum. We're so going to enjoy your all-too-brief sojourn as a serious presidential candidate.

RICK SANTORUM: I DIDN'T SAY BLACK PEOPLE, I SAID BLAH PEOPLE. Did Santorum really equate black folks with welfare recipients? No, no no no. You must have misunderstood. Rick Santorum would never do that. Certainly not in front of a bunch of cameras during a town hall full of white folks in Iowa, a state where less than 10 percent of welfare recipients are black.

I realized soon into today's Manchester Town Hall why John McCain had to endorse Mitt Romney. It never dawned on me before, but it seems that the senator from Arizona's wife shares a blonde helmet with Callista Gingrich. If forced to appear next to each other, one would have to wear a yellow mop bucket.

The Republican presidential slate ain't Seinfeld's posse (though some share views on race with Michael Richards). That's for sure. Despite it being 2012 and all, for GOP shitpiles there is something wrong with being gay, unless of course you're married to a candidate and still in the closet.

As we've seen over the past few months, this is the most shamelessly homophobic group of idiots imaginable, with one White House wannabe – who has more gay rumors circulating about him than John Travolta – going so far as to mock Brokeback Mountain in a campaign ad.

On the off chance you're one of the three people who hasn't seen the original, the above will be much funnier after you watch this.

One thing we're gonna miss about the Hollywood writers' strike: dudes are gonna have less time on their hands for stuff like this. We only wish Mitt had dropped out a week later, if only so we coulda heard Fred Armisen warble "I saw my dad march with MLK."