Impending End of Civilization news, the word around the Twittersphere [again] is that Jersey Shore's No.1 meatball is maybe, probably, most
likely knocked up. Which is just the worst on so many levels. Assuming she manages to carry her gremlin spawn to term, the likelihood that this kid is not
born pickled, with fetal gonorrhea syndrome (that's a thing, right?) and with physical and mental capacities bottoming out somewhere around the first couple of percentiles are approximately one million to zero.
Photo courtsey Amazon.com
This info is a day old, but we’d be derelict in our duties as a newsgathering organization if we failed to alert our readers of this locally-imperative development. It seems that the long-rumored Jersey Shore Except Southie Instead of The Jersey Shore show will become a thing that exists.
Remember back to the glory days of 2009? Sure, the economy was in deeper shit
than the kid from Slumdog Millionaire
and all that boring stuff. But at least the world made some kind
of sense. We had a new president who promised to bring about
change. We knew Kanye was never going to stop being a douchebag. We knew that
Oompa-Loompas never left Wonka's chocolate factory.
There are truly no words for this abomination. Well, ok, there are a few. Angelina Pivarnick's pitchy new single (how did we not see this coming?) "I'm Hot"makes the crazy lady from that Real Housewives show sort of seem like a legitimate recording artist. Not this one though.
She's just the worst.
Lest anyone think that boozing, fighting, tanning and generally trashy behavior is native only to Americans, Canada (late to
the party, as usual) has concocted their answer to the Jersey Shore.
And it's called, ingeniously, Lake Shore. Clever, eh? The yet-to-be picked up by a network reality show will feature young,
fame-hungry Canucks partying, brawling and engaging in creepy yet
somehow captivating sexual encounters.
Well, kids, it's the morning after. Last night's season premier of "Jersey Shore" is over-- it's just about that time when there's not much else to do but locate our skivvies (what are they doing in the fridge?,) scrape the vomit off our shoes and stagger bleary-eyed into the harsh light of morning. Hoping that we don't run into anyone who knows our parents on the way to the car (where is that car?)
Word is, less than two weeks before the second season premiere, the entire cast of "Jersey Shore" is officially on strike due to some serious contract negotiation issues. Apparently, the Situation's lower abdominals are asking for twice as much as the rest of the entire cast combined. Or something. So shaken up was she, that Snookie "accidentally" posted her Blackberry BBM to her twitter account (really, how does one accidentally log on to Twitter and accidentally type in the number to their smart phone?) and the cannoli-sized starlet was immediately inundated with texts begging her to reconsider.
Above: Eli Roth portrays a 1940s version of the "Masshole" in Inglourious Basterds.
According to Gawker and this casting call, the people behind Jersey Shore are indeed looking for Massachusetts residents to cast in some sort of "Massholes" reality show set on Cape Cod. Apparently someone over there reads Slate
How can MTV best follow up Jersey Shore? Slate has an idea...
MTV needs a new tribe to study. Lucky for them, there's a group of
feisty young people just a few hundred miles north on the Atlantic
coast. They're called Massholes. Though there is some disagreement
about what, exactly, constitutes a Masshole, there are several
characteristics present in all definitions.
Of course a dego onslaught looms. And every one of us who has watched the same three Jersey Shore episodes two-dozen times is partially responsible.
Since eating is the only activity that Italian men like more than assaulting dangerously tan women, trainers from The Biggest Loser are doing a spaghetti spin-off.
I'll spare you the didactic spiel about why it's acceptable for intelligent folks to watch "Jersey Shore" for non-masturbatory purposes.
JUST HEAD TO THIS NICKNAME GENERATOR AND GET YOUR GUIDO HANDLE
Mine is "The Sausage Party." I was hoping for something better - maybe "Italian Ice" - but I'll take what I can get.