Funny Shit I Learned at the SXSWi Panel on Misusing the Internet

I walked into “Misuse the Internet and Make People Love You” about 15 minutes late, but just in time for the panel's conversation about screwing with corporations on Twitter. Specifically, they were giving the example of a ruse that was aimed at Qdoba. A troll told the burrito chain that his local outpost was being frequented by a diaper-clad degenerate, to which Team Qdoba responded: “What location?”

The question came up about whether any of the panelists felt remorse about messing with the people who vet such comments for companies. “No,” said Nick Douglas of Slacktory. “It's not a real job,” added Christopher Price of Tumblr, only to be one-upped by Jon Hendren of Something Awful, whose Twitter handle, @fart, is awfully close to my @fara1. “It's a hack job,” said Hendren. “Sorry all you social media people out there.”

It's not just the esoteric nature of web trolling and hacker jokes that I adore. Or maybe it is, because a lot of what I've seen on 4chan and other silly shit emporiums is the funniest kind of entertainment out there. These pranks aren't for the type of person who would take a Web gig with a burrito chain, or who would seriously print business cards that read “Social Media Expert.” In fact I'm not sure who they're for, other than heads who might shit a bit at the tomfoolery I'm sharing with you here...

Oprah is a fucking moron

Okay – I already knew that Oprah is a useless idiot who fucks with the lives of America's neediest fools. But until today's session I had no clue about the whole story behind her beef with Anonymous, and how she toasted her credibility in sparring with them. It turns out that the group's claim to have “over 9,000 penises” aimed at “your children” was a reference to an old 4chan standby, and a joke lampooning the characterization of Anonymous as a cadre of pedophiles. As for America's favorite housewife fluffer and nonstop O magazine cover model – I'm guessing that her team of seasoned investigative journalists was sick on the day that she warned viewers about the thousands of cocks that “are all raping children.”

I'm not the only one who makes fun of Big Dogs

Remember Big Dogs? They make t-shirts for middle-aged post-frats who wear sensible white cross-trainers with knee-high socks and denim shorts. Ring a bell? Anyway – turns out there are a few trolls who love messing with them, and that's a pontoon I plan to paddle along on.

I think I got this right: there's a game among online do-badders called The Game

And if you click this, you lose.

@Horse_ebooks are inspirational

Once again – I've kind of known this since my friend showed me the feed after some bong rips a few weeks ago, but thanks to @fart for saying it. It's just not SXSW without a good equestrian blowjob.

The forums are good for more than just tips on how to pick up girls with Playboy Bunny tats on their left pelvic bone

Props to Katie Notopoulos of Buzzfeed for this gem. Turns out there are forums on this meathead portal that could rival most of the dirty shit that people who are smart, creative, and don't have barbed wire tattoos are into.

It's not Burger King that has the best fries after all

It's these motherfuckers...

I have a new favorite Tumblr

It's called Pretty Colors, and I couldn't have put it better myself. Christopher Price joked that he's getting a book deal for it, but considering some of the books that really do have deals, I wouldn't be surprised if he actually landed one.

This shit is hilarious

This shit right here...

I need to read Cole Stryker's book

It's called Epic Win for Anonymous, and you actually need to read it too. Right now.

Welcome mats are not always what they appear to be

Turns out that at least some of the comments on depraved YouTube videos that read “Welcome to Obama's America” aren't written by your Ford tough neighbor. There's an Urkel out there among us – referred to this afternoon as the Johnny Appleseed of trolling – who floats around the Web leaving that exact comment anywhere that people like me might see it and scream a little inside.

SXSW is great for finding new social networks to fuck with

Obviously, but I never really thought about it until Nick Douglas of Slacktory put it that way.

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