Remember back to the glory days of 2009? Sure, the economy was in deeper shit
than the kid from Slumdog Millionaire
and all that boring stuff. But at least the world made some kind
of sense. We had a new president who promised to bring about
change. We knew Kanye was never going to stop being a douchebag. We knew that
Oompa-Loompas never left Wonka's chocolate factory... And
then Jersey Shore attacked our
screens and eyes, and things will never be the
hard to imagine that the world was first introduced to The Situation's washboard abs and Snooki's gravity-defying poof a
mere 13 months ago. In such a short time, the tanorexic stars of
MTV's biggest hit ever have effectively turned pop culture on its
head. Everything from the New Year's Eve ball drop to Chegg.com ads are getting
the GTL treatment - and trust me if there is one thing these people have never
had their hair gel-covered hands on, it's a college textbook. And America seems to
love them all the more for it.
More than 8 million fist-pumping viewers tuned in to see seven of the engrossing eight
return to the iconic Seaside Heights home where it all began, duck phone
and all. Joining Snooki and the Situation in the festering hot tub once again
are JWoww, Ronnie, Sammi, Pauly
D, and Vinny. (No Angelina, but really, who cares?) The only fresh face this season is
Snooki 2.0 self-described "walking holiday" Deena Cortese. I
don't recall any holiday traditions that involve stripping naked from the waist
down 30 seconds after walking into a packed house, but I digress.
than a month in, we've already seen
enough cringe-worthy moments to tide us over until next season.
Taking over the resident whiny bitch role vacated by aspiring singer/actress
Angelina is Sammi, whose alienation from the rest of the girls and
insatiable thirst for the "Ron Ron Juice" (it's a cocktail, perv) have made
her into the most codependent "human backpack" girlfriend on TV since... well,
since herself, last season in Miami. The way she follows around Ronnie's
gigantic, steroid-jacked (I mean Xenadrine-enhanced, of course) body like a lost
puppy makes me wonder why Jenni "I find it acceptable to piss behind a bar as
long as I hose it off" Farley is the only one to have landed a punch on her snooty mug.
Everyone has their entertaining moments, but the only cast member who constantly brings the funny is meatball and gorilla
juicehead-stalker Snooki. Viewers have witnessed more
drunken antics by the New York Times bestselling author (sadly, not a misprint) than they know what to do with, and
I, for one, cannot determine which is the most shocking. Was it eating a raw
potato with the justification of it's what you would do while stuck in a
cornfield? The fact that she showed up to the T-shirt shop clad in slippers, her
clubbing outfit from the night before, and a blanket only to skip out moments
later to take shots with middle-aged fans on the boardwalk? When she stuck her
ass in the mini-freezer after an intense tanning bed session? My vote is not for her disorderly conduct arrest (it was inevitable), but
the scene in which her 4'9" frame face-plants in the sand while
attempting to waddle into the water. Classic Snooki.
Jersey Shore is among the lowest of the low
when it comes to trashy TV, but that's why it works so well. With
multiple cast members in talks for spin-offs plus a fourth season in Italy already picked up, these smush-loving guidos and guidettes aren't going away anytime soon. And with an episode like last night's - JWoww created more relationship drama for Sammi and Ronnie; Mike
learned a mysterious secret about Deanna - who can really resist?