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Real Housewives, fake faces

Eight episodes in to the sixth installment of the Housewives franchise, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,  Bravo viewers have already been firmly introduced to some of the most deranged characters to ever come out of Andy Cohen's nuthouse. Just like with that grisly, five-car pileup on the side of the highway, it is impossible to turn away.

Honestly, if I could lay on the couch with a pint of Cherry Garcia and watch only Bravo for 24 hours straight, I would have a "Double Rainbow" perfect day. Does that make me part of the clusterfuck that has become American culture? Perhaps. But everyone needs something to escape from the stresses of everyday life. And after the trainwreck Real Housewives of D.C. was masterfully taken over by those White House-crashing famewhores, I was more than ready for some good old-fashioned crazy to entertain me on Thursday nights.

If only I had known what I was asking for.

First, there's Taylor Armstrong, an Oklahoma native whose enormous lips and immovable forehead prove she has fully adapted to the Beverly Hills lifestyle. The Katie Holmes of reality TV, Taylor's marriage to her creepy husband must be some sort of business contract, so she showers all of her love onto her daughter - in the form of a $50,000 birthday party... for a four-year-old. And she didn't even fully appreciate her $1,600 diamond Barbie necklace (brat!).   

Taylor's face may be plastic, but Adrienne Maloof's mug has her well on her way to becoming the next "Cat Lady" sensation. Even though her husband is a plastic surgeon (surprise, surprise), Adrienne clearly has the bigger set of balls in the family thanks to her family business. Apparently we are supposed to be impressed that they own a basketball team that is 4-12 or something. As Adrienne says in the intro to the show, "Money is what I have, not who I am." Right.          

Next is Kim Richards, the most delusional of the bunch, who could benefit from some time in a padded room (or a "spa," as they say in Beverly Hills). Kim considers herself an "icon" among the likes of her niece, Paris Hilton, because she was a film star. Thirty-five years ago. And that "film" was Escape to Witch Mountain (at least it wasn't the kind of movie Paris is known for). Severe anxiety causes her to force out the most annoying laugh heard on television since the days of The Nanny.

Then there's former Club MTV dancer Camille Grammer: mother, model, Irritable Bowel Syndrome activist... oh who are we kidding she's only on the show because she married Kelsey Grammer. Gross.

You can always count on three things from Camille: nervous giggling, blank stares at the camera with her strange, saucer eyes, and a quote or two about how hard her life is that makes you want to slap her across the face. She admittedly has a lot more work and pressure than the rest of the housewives. One can only imagine how stressful it must be to have to call the house manager at your sprawling Hawaiian residence to make sure that everything is already taken care of for your vacation (vacation from what, exactly?). Or to make sure your kids are being properly taken care of... by their four nannies. For two children.

Camille's marriage to a celebrity is an issue that she is definitely NOT insecure about. In fact she's so secure with herself that she has to keep reminding the audience just how secure she really is. Every single episode. It's as if she only got the gig to keep her preoccupied while her husband embarks on an affair during his year-long stint on Broadway. Oh wait...           

Sadly, Bravo ends its hot streak with the other housewives: Kim's sister, Kyle Richards, and British import Lisa VanderPump are a snooze. Step up the crazy, ladies, then we'll talk.

This year, the only thing on my list to Santa will be continued mind-numbing entertainment from these six spoiled lunatics. Every Housewives season needs a nice, table-flipping climax to build up to, so here's to hoping these ladies can compete with the best (worst?) of them. Maybe a cage match between Adrienne and her constantly bickering husband - just steer clear of that beautiful face! Or more than likely a close-up of Camille's humongous peepers expanding in shock over Kelsey's antics until her air-filled head finally explodes. I can actually hear my own brain cells popping during each hour-long episode, but I don't want to miss a second of it.

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