episodes in to the sixth installment of the Housewives
franchise, The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills, Bravo viewers have already been firmly introduced to some of the
most deranged characters to ever come out of Andy Cohen's nuthouse. Just like
with that grisly, five-car pileup on the side of the highway, it is impossible
to turn away.
if I could lay on the couch with a pint of Cherry Garcia and watch only Bravo
for 24 hours straight, I would have a "Double Rainbow" perfect day. Does that make me
part of the clusterfuck that has become American culture? Perhaps. But everyone
needs something to escape from the stresses of everyday life. And after the
trainwreck Real Housewives of D.C.
was masterfully taken over by those White House-crashing famewhores,
I was more than ready for some good old-fashioned crazy to entertain me on
only I had known what I was asking for.
there's Taylor Armstrong, an Oklahoma native
whose enormous lips and immovable forehead prove she has fully adapted to the Beverly Hills lifestyle.
The Katie Holmes of reality TV, Taylor's marriage to her creepy husband must be
some sort of business contract, so she showers all of her love onto her
daughter - in the form of a $50,000 birthday party... for a four-year-old. And
she didn't even fully appreciate her $1,600 diamond Barbie necklace (brat!).
face may be plastic, but Adrienne Maloof's mug has her well on her way to
becoming the next "Cat Lady" sensation. Even though her husband is a plastic
surgeon (surprise, surprise), Adrienne clearly has the bigger set of balls in
the family thanks to her family business. Apparently we are supposed to be
impressed that they own a basketball team that is 4-12 or something. As
Adrienne says in the intro to the show, "Money is what I have, not who I am."
Next is Kim Richards,
the most delusional of the bunch, who could benefit from some time in
a padded room (or a "spa," as they say in Beverly
Hills). Kim considers herself an "icon" among the
likes of her niece, Paris Hilton, because she was a film star. Thirty-five
years ago. And that "film" was Escape to Witch
Mountain (at least it
wasn't the kind of movie Paris
is known for). Severe anxiety causes her to force out the most annoying
laugh heard on television since the days of The Nanny.
Then there's former Club MTV dancer Camille
Grammer: mother, model, Irritable Bowel Syndrome activist... oh who are we
kidding she's only on the show because she married Kelsey Grammer. Gross.
can always count on three things from Camille: nervous
giggling, blank stares at the camera with her strange, saucer eyes, and a quote
or two about how hard her life is that makes you want to slap her across the
face. She admittedly has a lot more work and pressure than the rest of the
housewives. One can only imagine how stressful it must be to have to call the
house manager at your sprawling Hawaiian residence to make sure that everything
is already taken care of for your vacation (vacation from what, exactly?). Or
to make sure your kids are being properly taken care of... by their four nannies.
For two children.
marriage to a celebrity is an issue that she is definitely NOT insecure about.
In fact she's so secure with herself that she has to keep reminding the
audience just how secure she really is. Every single episode. It's as if she
only got the gig to keep her preoccupied while her husband embarks on an affair
during his year-long stint on Broadway. Oh
Sadly, Bravo ends its hot streak with the other housewives: Kim's sister, Kyle Richards, and British import Lisa VanderPump are a snooze. Step up the crazy, ladies, then we'll
This year, the only thing on my list
to Santa will be continued mind-numbing entertainment from
these six spoiled lunatics. Every Housewives season
needs a nice, table-flipping climax to build up to, so here's to hoping these ladies
can compete with the best (worst?) of them. Maybe a cage match between Adrienne
and her constantly bickering husband - just steer clear of that beautiful face!
Or more than likely a close-up of Camille's humongous peepers expanding in
shock over Kelsey's antics until her air-filled head finally explodes. I can actually
hear my own brain cells popping during each hour-long episode, but I don't
want to miss a second of it.