The Metro screams "BEEEMBO!"

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Remember that dark day in late-April when the Boston Globe ran an ad and $1 off coupon for obscure bread company Bimbo Bakeries on their front page? Well, turns out that stunt is nothing compared to what was plastered on the front, back, and inside of today's Metro.

While expectations are exceedingly low for a paper that refers to the Herald for reporting, runs articles like "How to gain fame and fortune - for your pet," and sums up the latest Israeli-Palestinian conflicts in 60 words or less, it's still bizarre that in this day and age, the front page of something that calls itself a newspaper is for sale. Wahhhh.

But enough with the dreary laments over the state of today's media; let's talk about this bear. There's something unsettling about this seemingly wholesome mascot. He could be Snuggle Bear's long-lost, meth-den-dwelling cousin, or Pedobear's grandpa. Something tells us that behind those wide blue eyes lies a world of darkness... and mystery.

Apparently, "Bimbo" isn't just something you'd find early on a Saturday morning passed out in vomit in the Boylston Place Alley anymore. While this Mexican baking behemoth is far from a household name around here, they acquired Thomas English Muffins, Entenmann's, Arnold, and a number of other familiar brands in 2009 - even Boboli. It is the Walmart of bakeries. Yet somehow, most of us weren't even aware of it until the Bimbo bear was staring into our faces with those soulless eyes, pretending to be excited over a sandwich. We all know no one is that happy to bite into a sandwich; a sandwich is what's for lunch when you can no longer afford Chipotle.

Bimbo is allegedly anti-union and transparently, unapologetically corporate. Their online company history begins, "In the past century, bakeries were established and run by families who got their start by supplying baked goods to their neighborhoods." They quickly point out things have changed, and they are not one of those companies - they acquire those companies.

So what's behind this recent blitz on Boston media? Well, your guess is as good as ours. Maybe the Bimbo bigwigs think the American populace is finally mature enough say the name of their company correctly (spoiler: we're not). Perhaps they have their eyes on a beloved local company, or this is simply one more step toward world domination. We don't know, and that's what really makes this so troubling.