As newspaper people, our job here at the Phoenix is to deliver tidbits and features that keep you up on things. From presidential politics to local concerts, we try hard to find information and relay it to you before you find it anyway on Facebook and Twitter.
Our function, however, has been made difficult by the death of pop music icon Michael Jackson, whose polarizing persona has the planet debating and remembering in equal measure. This would be fine, if the world paused along with coverage of everything other than MJ's passing.
Since nobody cares about anything but Michael Jackson, the best thing to do is imagine him in all the headlines. It might be the only way for us to get through this without forgetting that our country and planet are in shambles, and it also makes for a fun game of Mad Libs.
From the New York Times: Michael Jackson Casting U.S. Withdrawal as Iraq Victory
From the Village Voice: The Queer Issue: Michael Jackson, the New Sexy
From the New York Post: Another Week, Another Michael Jackson Probe
From the Chicago Tribune: Michael Jackson Got Student into U. of I. Law
From the Los Angeles Times: Michael Jackson Says Rioters Should Be Severely Punished
From the New York Times: Michael Jackson's Tug of War Takes Shape
From the Washington Post: Michael Jackson's Call for Apology Rejected
From the Los Angeles Times: Michael Jackson: Forever Generation X's Favorite Pinup
From the Daily Mail: Schoolboy Snubbed by Michael Jackson at Transformers Premiere Flying to New York Tonight to Meet Her
From the Boston Phoenix: "I am most jealous of your salad under the palm tree" and Other Highlights from Governor Michael Jackson's Lust Notes