Drinking Liberally with Sarah Palin

I’m glad that we – meaning those of us who are intelligent enough to dismiss today’s New York Times nonsense that Sarah Palin delivered an honorable performance in last night’s debate – have finally arrived at the moment when I can spit trash about Alaska’s shameful governor without being labeled a complete misogynist. For real – fuck this bitch if she has beef with my debt; I hope her son gets filled with shrapnel in this war that she supports so ardently (you thought it – I said it).

For an event as entertaining as last night’s vice-presidential debate promised to be, the Drinking Liberally meet-up groups from Brookline and Boston convened with our intellectual superiors from Cambridge at the Hong Kong in Harvard Square. I thought it was a fine choice considering how The Comedy Studio is upstairs and we were in for an evening of hilarity.

The joint was filled with assorted liberals – one young woman was toting a copy of Richard Dawkins’ “The Selfish Gene;” another was passing out Hebrew Obama stickers. Apparently there are few rallying points more persuasive than Sarah Palin’s stupidity. The camaraderie made me feel badly about my general prejudice against people wearing dress suits; I apologize for always scowling at you in the street – I often forget that some of you are lefties too.

By 8:15 the room was nearly swollen; Palin Bingo cards were strewn across the bar and tables, and the folks from Generation Progress incestuously amplified the spot with a mess of Democratic literature. It was a polite crowd – at least at first.

There were no boos during Palin’s introduction; equally disappointing was the lack of cheers for Biden. One person joked that the governess was wearing black to mock Gwen Ifill, but the line was largely denied in a moment of cautious liberalism.

I’m not sure how people in other settings perceived the stage set-up, but with a crowd around me ripping Palin to shreds I saw that red carpet as a cautionary GOP measure to prevent viewers from seeing her blood spatter on the dance floor.  

The liberal drinkers got ruthless as soon as the word “soccer” flipped off Palin’s jaw. She further agitated folks by saying “barometer” several times in the first few minutes, since that word was not featured on the Palin Bingo cards. That said; we were all flattered to learn that we belong to the greatest workforce in the world.

Props must be given to a candidate who says “Joe Six-Pack” in a serious debate, and boy did Palin get hers. Hollers rang when she said “feds” instead of “fed,” when she big-upped the world famous Castro brothers, and after she clarified that Alaska was not just any state, but a state that is in a country. Biden got his roars too; that “bridge to nowhere” line brought the damn house down.

To the makers of Palin Bingo: thanks for the laughs, but a few things: 1 – How could you forget “Predator Lenders;” 2 – are you allowed to cross off “Track” when she says “track record;” and 3 – next time we need cards for both candidates and the moderator. You might also want to consider that Palin has improved her metaphorical capacity; did anybody else notice how she said global warming doesn’t exist without really saying so?

I’m glad that Palin didn’t succumb to talk radio pressure and grill Ifill about her upcoming book on Barack Obama. However, it would have been acceptable if she blasted the PBS hostess for wearing what might be the ugliest blouse I’ve ever seen. That thing was just horrible.  

By half way through the debate people were simply yapping over Palin; I suppose the mentality was that if she could talk about whatever she wanted to, we could as well. We still caught gaffes such as when she said “humanitarian” and “us” in the same sentence, when she suggested that America won Vietnam, and when she dropped the oxymoron “team of mavericks,” but the novelty was largely worn by the time they dipped into foreign policy.

There were some moments that stuck out in the company of my drunken liberal cronies. The first was when the candidates tag teamed China, which was pretty uncomfortable since we were at the Hong Kong. The second was when Palin denied homosexuals their civil rights; where else in the country does a room full of people unanimously cheer for gay pride? Third was their joint fellating of Israel; half of us were disappointed in Biden, and the other half was ashamed to agree with dumb shit on something.  

The last thing written in my notepad was: “I can’t stand how both sides always declare victory as soon as the debate is over. I wonder if the Republicans will have the sack to claim that Palin won.” But this morning I checked the latest headline on McCain’s prehistoric web site: “Tonight, Governor Palin proved beyond any doubt that she is ready to lead as Vice President of the United States.” Clearly the author of that nonsense wasn’t watching over Bud Lights and scorpion bowls at the Hong Kong in Cambridge.