Dear douchebag or bags who robbed my apartment early Tuesday morning,
I'm not going to say I'm not mad—because I am. I'm furious but not just because of the material possessions you stole. What riles me almost as much as the DVDs and CDs you swiped is your sheer incompetence. Even the cops said this is one of the sloppiest robbery cases they’ve ever investigated, so I want to pass on some advice for future reference. First, you stole a 1998 X-Box worth all of $25 but left the PS2, a $1,000 sound system and forgot the adapter and cords for the X-Box; good luck hawking it. And what’s your excuse for leaving the watch lying on the kitchen table? Don’t thieves go straight for the jewelry? I'm a little offended. Granted, it was just painted gold and wasn’t crafted in Switzerland but it was worth more than the dozen or so empty DVD cases you took. Second, I want you to take the time to watch the DVDs that were in their cases before you pawn them for $5 a piece. I know “Teen Wolf Too” didn’t have Michael J. Fox in it but I still feel that it’s an underrated classic of 80’s cinema, and I think you might agree given a fair viewing. Also, I’m having difficulty accepting that you lifted the DVD case with disc two of “Once Upon a Time in America” (but not disc one because it was in the DVD player which you neglected to take) and now I’m going to have to rent the movie to see how it ends. But what’s really unforgivable is that you scampered off with five bottles of Labatt Blue and left the empty packaging on the kitchen counter—with the lights on.
Now, I’m a pretty laidback guy and not prone to overreacting but I have to warn you that you made a mistake when you jacked my roommate’s racing bike. He competes in—and wins—triathlons and if he ever sees you on that bike, he’s going to run you down and beat you until you bleed blue—Labatt Blue.