If you'd asked us back in 1989, the year Metallica lost the first-ever metal Grammy to Jethro Tull -- we're not sure which we would've identified as the more unlikely event 20 years hence: a black president or Metallica getting into the rock n roll hall of fame.

Then again, if you told us that in the future, Metallica would be photographed wearing mandals while shopping at Armani, we'd have laughed and said something dismissive.

In lieu of a review of Metallica's throwbackish new single, which has bitterly divided staff opinion, we'd been amusing ourselves by making up (a la the New Yorker's caption contest) snarky new song titles suggested by this photo -- an image by which we are universally horrified. Feel free to add your own in the comments, but note that the following are taken:

We've been anticipating/dreading the leak of the new METALLICA single for weeks -- god, it can't be any worse than St. Anger, can it? -- and we can't say that we're heartened by the fact that the band is rolling out its American tour dates several weeks BEFORE the release of their new Death Magnetic. Metallica live is always sort of a no-brainer, but you can't help wonder whether they're gonna try to get fans to buy tix before the single comes out and spoils everyone's enthusiasm.

25. Pantera's Vinnie Paul -- no doubt thinking about Hendrix's guitar and that Sgt. Pepper drum -- auctions his oven on Ebay.

24. Miley Cyrus comes thiiiiiiiiiiiis close to a Vanessa Hudgens moment: wet T-shirt pix from hacked phone leaked to internet.

23. Harmonix employee recorded spilling details of Chinese Democracy; YouTube commentors beg for video to be taken down so he isn't fired

25. Pantera's Vinnie Paul -- no doubt thinking about Hendrix's guitar and that Sgt. Pepper drum -- auctions his oven on Ebay.

24. Miley Cyrus comes thiiiiiiiiiiiis close to a Vanessa Hudgens moment: wet T-shirt pix from hacked phone leaked to internet.

23. Harmonix employee recorded spilling details of Chinese Democracy; YouTube commentors beg for video to be taken down so he isn't fired.

22. Scott Storch in real-life version of Steve Martin's The Jerk.

21. Timbaland, who must be laughing his balls off at #22, on producing next Jay-Z album: "Some of the songs gonna sound like M.I.A. would rap on some of the beats. You gonna be like, 'Whoa!' But it's Jay on 'em. That means it reaches everywhere. I'mma have songs with bagpipes."

20. New Metallica album cover looks a little bit like a coffin, a lot liTuke a vagina.