"On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl" out. John Mayer and his racist dong are coming to town

John Mayer, music's current font of irreverently offensive word-vomit, is landing in Boston tonight for a gig at TD Banknorth Garden, and it's safe to say we are more than a little psyched out of our minds anxious about what untold shit-stirring, crowd-enraging madness awaits. Mayer's music career started somewhere in the vicinity of blandly agreeable, only to wander off and end up smack-dab in Crazy Town. One would imagine that a white boy from Connecticut who croons songs entitled "Your Body Is a Wonderland" and "Waiting for the World to Change" would be a generally polite guy, if not a complete wuss. Wrong. In honor of his visit, let's review some of the impossibly off-color thoughts Mayer has let slide off that silver tongue of his lately.  

According to the saucy puppets of Avenue Q, everyone's a little bit racist -- and, to hear him tell it, that includes Mayer's, er, little john. In his now-infamous Playboy interview, Mayer revealed that his man-parts are not just a little bit racist but, in fact, liable to start torching crosses on lawns at the right provocation. "My dick is sort of like a white supremacist," he said to the nonplussed interviewer. As amusing as it is to picture Mayer's shlong (which is rumored to see quite a bit of action) decked out in a teensy little Klan hood (cute!), we have to admit that perhaps he was taking the whole idea of candor a bit too far. Not cool, Mayer.

The rest of the free, unbigoted-genitalia-toting world must have agreed. After receiving some pretty intense internet backlash for the comments, Mayer tearfully attempted to retract the inflammatory remark at a Nashville gig earlier this month. Breaking down mid-concert, Mayer cried, "I quit the media game. I'm out. I'm done. I just want to play my guitar." Right, because the media was the problem here.

Mayer also took advantage of the same interview to describe, kinda gratuitously, sex with Jessica Simpson. And apparently, schtupping J. Simps is a little like free-basing crack ... with shades of chemical warfare. He said, "Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually, it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fuckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.' "

According to a list of the "15 Douchiest John Mayer Quotes," Mayer was the one to coin the phrase "Sometimes I wish that I was the weather, you'd bring me up in conversation forever. And when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day." Frankly, Mayer doesn't have to morph into precipitation to be a fun conversation point. He's already a whirling dervish of unsavory chatter that rates an F5 on our scale. (F as in "what a Fuckwit," not Fujita.)  

On a side note, come April, students at Mayer's alma mater, Berklee College of Music, can learn the tricks of this particular trade pulled from the Man, the Legend, himself. Berklee students can participate in a 5-Course Professional Singer-Songwriter Certificate, inspired by some of their most famous alum, including Mayer. Aptly enough, what Mayer's expertise brings to the clinic (according to the program's website) is "honesty in music." This seems like sound enough advice, but perhaps Mayer himself might try practicing a little less honesty in conversation. Ah hell, considering the sort of bat-shit crazy credo that Mayer seems to hold true, maybe he should just go ahead and lie. For everyone's sake.

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