Twitter Wars: Lily Allen vs. Perez Hilton

It used to be that gratuitous C-level celebrity beef was confined to rap mixtapes, supermarket tabloids, and the E! True Hollywood Story. Leave it to Perez Hilton and Lily Allen to take messageboardy flame wars to the next level. Welcome to the inauguration of a new and altogether more pathetic tribunal: a catfight on Twitter. We're sure someone will coin a marketable term for this -- but for the time being, let's go with Twattering, shall we?

What the hell are we talking about? Well, if you were glued to Tweetdeck like we are, you'd know already. Seems Perez got the day off to a glorious start by posting some pics of Lily Allen jumping on a go-go stage in the Bahamas over the weekend, in which he described her as dancing like an "awkward cow." Rather than call her publicist, Ms. Allen went straight to the crackberry and started @replying. A back-and-forth ensued in which Allen called Hilton a "jealous bitter lonely old queen," a "douchebag," a "parasite," and a "cheap-ass whore," while managing to take a swipe at Katy Perry in the process.  

Sweetie, there's a reason you don't get into a fight with a dude who sells pageviews by the barrel -- it's because he'll come back at you with insults about your record sales, point out that you're an advertiser, call you a fat cunt, and mock your blockage of his tweets by crying, "I can still read what you write, twat!"

Advantage: Perez Hilton. Who's next? If Miley ever gets her account back, maybe she'll start bitch-slapping Demi Lovato?