Kanye Wants To Be Elvis, and 9 Other Things We Learned At the 2008 American Music Awards

10. PINK IS ONE OF THE GREATEST ARTISTS OF OUR TIME. At least according to noted musical-greatness expert Scott Weiland. "Performing 'Sober' . . ., " introduceth he -- the irony of which wasn't lost on us. Not the only reason everyone's wondering what the hell that dude's on.

09. KANYE v. 1: "I WANT TO BE ELVIS." Dude, we've heard 808s. You might start with wanting to be Kanye.

08. IT'S MILEY CYRUS'S BIRTHDAY: Apparently Miley's dad promised her two things for her Sweet Sixteen: a car, and permission to touch her boobies when she dances. Also, where can we buy those "blog headline" bodysuits?

07. WU-TANG CLAN CAN'T NAME A SINGLE JONAS BROTHER. But RZA admits to Kimmel that his daughter's got their poster on her wall. Kimmel: "I'll give you a hint: It's Joe, Nick, and Ghostface Kevin."

06. WEEZY IS A BETTER RAPPER THAN KANYE: Mr. West gives away his best rap male award to Mr. Carter. Which is what all us bloggers were going to demand anyway.

05. THE DREAM WANTS THEM DEAD: Apropos of nothing, The Dream walks onstage and tells the audience, "I wanted to choke the Jonas Brothers, but I'ma let it ride." Dream. On.

05. BOSTON'S MUSIC SCENE IS GOING DOWN THE SHITTER. So says Newscenter 5's scrolling news bug all night. Leaving aside 5-at-11's specious claim that the Boston music scene is in decline (what, did they start interviewing message boards or something?), do they think that anyone watching the AMAs gives a fuck? Whatever. It was nice to see the Abbey Lounge on television.

04. RIHANNA HARBORS A NOT-SO-SECRET CRUSH ON ROB HALFORD. Holy shit! Hell, as far as we can remember, even Halford never rocked an iPatch like that. More proof that pop music is increasingly more metal than metal. 

03. WAIT, JESSE MCCARTNEY CO-WROTE "BLEEDING LOVE"? We're giving ourselves a late-pass on this one. Also, since the other co-writer was the guy from One Republic, this deep-sixes our it's-subliminally-about-menstruation theory. Damn. 

02. THE JONAS BROTHERS CAN'T SING. At least Ashlee Simpson was kind enough to lip-synch. 

01. FUCK YOU, THESE ARE STILL GOOD SONGS. <Gently weeps.>