The Waggling and the Pfisting: Laser Orgy reviews last night’s Oscars live chat

By Derek Kouyoumjian. Click here for more photos from the Brattle's Oscars party.

When you're broadcasting a universally smug, circle-pat-on-the-back session like the Academy Awards to the entire world, someone is bound to say something funny about it. And that's exactly what happened last night in the Phoenix's Oscars Live Chat. If you found 3.5 hours of commitment to be a little much, then perhaps you'd prefer a brief summary of some of the funniest, silliest, smartest, and strangest of last night's banter.

Best Summation of Pre-Oscar Feelings:
InfiniteSanta [7:26pm]: "Only one hour and four more minutes of #redcarpet until we can wait for four hours to see who wins #BestPicture. #oscars"

This reminds me of "What If Movie Posters Told The Truth." I think we all know that the Academy Awards are essentially all filler except for like 4 categories that people actually care about, and yet, here we are about to sit down and wait 3 hours to inevitably see Oscar-bait catch Oscars. This years Oscar Truth-Poster Tagline: "King's Speech Will Win A Lot Of Stuff."

Things We've All Thought About A Celebrity's Name, and Then Said:

bunkosquad [7:42pm]: I'll say up front: it will never be possible for me to hear "Hugh jackman" without thinking of Bart calling Moe's and asking for hugh jass

Yes! You and me both! You've freed me from the burden of carrying this around forever, always ashamed of it and never admitting to anyone. Jackman is a pretty hilarious last name altogether, and put the Hugh in front, and it's just too much.

Peter [8:47pm]: I thought Wally Pfister was his porn name.

As Patton Oswalt suggested, this is the low-hanging fruit of last night's show, and yet there's something strangely satisfying about poking fun at it. Wally "The Fury" Pfister has probably been the butt of a lot of jokes.

We Should Have Known This Would Happen:
Peter [8:04pm]: Is he high? What's wrong with him?

James Franco being high is an easy joke to make, but seriously -- 4 minutes in, and we already suspect he's baked. That's the stoned Bar Mitzvah scene from A Serious Man, but on a completely new level of awesome. Anyone with the balls to toke before presenting the Academy Awards deserves an Honorary Award for Chillness Under Pressure, Bro.

My Absolute Favorite Quote of the Night:
Eugenia [8:59pm]: Woof, her wattle just waggled when she waved at the balcony.

We're talking Melissa Leo here. I'm not sure what a wattle is, but I love speculating as to what it could be. I do know that waggling sounds funny, and if any of the things I image a wattle is, are waggling, then good times are nigh. The alliteration puts it over the edge, I nominate this text-bite of literature for Best Quote.

Best Fake Award:
Peter [11:14pm]: Fewest teeth in a cast.

And the winner is ... Winter's Bone, a movie chock full of toothless crackheads. They must have invented the toothbrush somewhere around there, because if it came from anywhere else it'd be called a teethbrush.

Best Summation of Post-Oscar Feelings:
Maddy [11:06pm]: Well, maybe I should go see King's Speech, then, I guess.

I can't imagine being more ambivalent about a best picture winner, ever: There is nothing about that movie that interests me except that everyone keeps telling me how good it is, which is only to enough to convince me that if someone forces me to sit down and watch it, I MIGHT say yes. Maybe. 

Not enough for you? Read the whole, unabridged Oscars chatjam here:

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