Monkey See, Monkey DON'T: The World's 6 Least Helpful Helper Monkeys

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Every kid fantasizes about owning a monkey. Or maybe we mean pony, but you get the idea. Helping Hands, a self-proclaimed "monkey college" in Brighton, is currently hard at work training studious simians in an effort to make this dream a reality for people in need. This week, Mike Miliard wrote about Helping Hands' current crop of helper monkeys (they're like seeing eye dogs, only with opposable thumbs) who are trained to make the most of their dexterity and creepily human-like capabilities in order to aid people who suffer from debilitating disorders or injuries get through the challenges of day-to-day life. These helpful primates brighten the lives of disabled people nationwide, lending a helping ... paw, and oft-times becoming their human counterparts' closest companion.

Here at the Phoenix, however, we always like to present a balanced, accurate picture. We feel it's only fair to also explore the darker side of the helper-monkey subculture. Below, we present some of the least helpful helper monkeys we could find. These six rogue primates see, hear, and speak plenty o' evil.

First dates are rough. That's why it's always a good idea to have your helper monkey around to ease the tension a bit -- pre-heat the oven, if you know what we mean. Unless, of course, it's a bargain-bin helper monkey ...

Zombies aren't George Romero's only gift to the world of horror -- how could we forget his 1988 classic Monkey Shines? It's the age-old story: man meets monkey, monkey develops telepathic powers, man psychically compels monkey to carry out his murderous dirtywork ... 

The creators of Malcolm in the Middle are obviously a little twisted. After all, they cast Frankie Muniz as the ostensibly endearing title character. 'Nuff said. That's why it comes as no surprise that this knife-wielding, diaper-clad monkey made a few cameos before the show hit syndication.


Of course, we could not possibly draft a list of
helper-monkey greatest hits without paying homage to Mojo, the original simian delinquent who made his debut in "Girly Edition," back when when The Simpsons was truly great -- you know, sometime in its first decade on air. Pray for Mojo. (Hell, pray for The Simpsons.)
As far as household chores go, scrubbing the bathroom is pretty much the worst. But maid services are pricey. What's a harried housewife to do? Janeane Garofalo knows: just get yourself a handy Bathroom Monkey. Nothing could possibly go wrong.  

OK, so the winged monkey henchmen that terrorized Oz aren't exactly aiding the handicapped -- but they're still helper monkeys, sort of. (Too bad they couldn't help save their boss from being turned into a puddle of supernatural goo.) And while we're walking down this particular yellow-bricked memory lane, you might want to check out this surreal Munchkin reunion, too:

--Alexandra Cavallo
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