A couple of weeks ago I asked readers to send in their best Newt Gingrich-style answer to the journalistic question: "We must stop Christmas from coming -- but how?"
The following have been chosen as our three finalists. Please enjoy them, and comment about which you think should win, and why!
Thanks to all who entered -- and to Newt himself, without whom none of this would have been possible, or nearly as much fun.
1) Martin C:
I'm opposed to giving people
stuff for doing nothing. It is truly
tragic what we do to children, entrapping them in fables that are utterly
stupid. To be successful, we have to,
frankly, break the back of the Santa-Loving secular machine, and methodically
rip them apart.
Now, we don’t get rid of
Christmas in round one because we don’t think that that’s politically smart,
but if we do it right, it will whither on the mistletoe! The secular elites are so terrified of
telling the truth about Christmas. When
we talk about Christmas, we have got to get straight and get serious and talk
about it in the right way.
Frankly, one of the great
problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don't encourage you to be
nasty. We encourage you to be neat,
obedient, loyal, and faithful and all those Boy Scout words. This is great for campfires, but lousy for
getting rid of Christmas.
What we need to do is
encourage nastiness, arrogance, and speak-truth to the Socialist-driven agenda
of gift giving that only promotes a European-style centralized bureaucratic
socialist welfare system.
Look, if we make it hard for
him, Santa, or Christ for that matter, won’t come.
2) Cynthia S.:
Well, first of all, David -
you're asking the wrong question, as usual. The real question isn't how
to stop Christmas from coming, but why is Christmas coming at all?
The Founders were clear on
this - in fact, the earliest founders placed celebrators in the stocks.
But the ultimake Cook County pol - Rep. Burton Chauncey Cook, the
congressman from Illinois
- got it declared a legal holiday in June of 1870, proving that delay
and gridlock is nothing new in D.C.
We need to make things
simple and reduce these entitlements that have no basis in the Constitution,
but with these politically correct activist judges these days, I don't see how
we can prevent it until my first day in office, when I pledge to make it one of
my 500 First Executive Orders.
3) Gerry M.:
and as a historian I know this to be true, the whole idea of Christmas comes
from a homeless, unmarried couple who took over a manger that they didn’t
pay for, presumably used nearby bathrooms that they didn’t pay for, begged
for food that they don’t want to pay for from free-market shepherds, and
obstructed the three wise men who paid the taxes to sustain the bathrooms
and the manger so that they can self-righteously explain that they are the
paragons of virtue to which we owe everything. Fundamentally, this
Christmas thing is a deeply flawed holiday, another profoundly fascist
creation of the liberal, secular, godless, pro-homosexual lobby. So I say
to the holy family -- go get a job, right after you take a bath. Believe
me, follow my prescription and that will put an end to Christmas as we know it.