McCain's Super Powers?

Like many people, I have been wondering all year about John McCain's secret sure-fire ability to capture Osama bin-Laden -- guaranteed to work for President McCain, but apparently for nobody else, because otherwise surely McCain would share the plan with our current President (not to mention, anyone else who might become President next year -- I mean, he wouldn't rather lose bin-Laden than lose an election, right?).

Back in January, a Wall Street Journal reporter, noting that the then-candidate was boasting routinely of this personal, non-transferable Osama-catching ability, asked McCain, "Why not share his strategy with the current occupant of the White House?" McCain's response:

"[I]t would require implementation of certain policies and procedures that only as the president of the United States can be taken.”

Meaning, presumably, that only as McCain as the President can be taken.

Nine months later -- nine more months in which our non-McCain President has not caught the guy -- McCain is still saying it, as on ABC News earlier this month: "President Clinton had opportunities to get Osama bin Laden. President Bush had opportunities to get Osama bin Laden. I know how to do it and I'll do it."

But how? What makes McCain so uniquely capable? Finally, today, during the White House press briefing, the answer was revealed. Bush spokesperson Dana Perino, getting grilled about how her boss feels about reaching the seven-year futility mark on the Osama hunt, confessed that: "There are human limitations... This is not the movies. We don't have super powers."

Is this true -- has the White House concluded that catching the bearded menace is impossible without super powers that stretch a man beyond human limitations?

Now it all makes sense! That's what lies behind McCain's secret strategy, the one that only he can carry out -- because he alone has the necessary super powers!

But why wait? Why not fly to Pakistan (or teleport, or shape-shift, or whatever he does) and get Osama now? We can only conclude that his super powers will only fully emerge upon becoming the President -- it's probably some kind of Oval Office Wonder-Twins activation thing... or some other mechanism that requires implementation of certain procedures that only as the president can be taken.

I'm glad that this great mystery is now answered. But I am left to ponder... what do you suppose John McCain's secret Osama-catching super power is? Any ideas?

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