Pat D. the Phoenix cleaning guy speaks!


As Wally fluffs his fur after a winter-long hibernation and the Sausage Guy scrubs down his grill, the Boston baseball season gets set to commence on Monday afternoon. (We’ll be live-blogging the 2:05 p.m. game right here at Sox Blog.)

In this week’s Phoenix, I run down a quick-hit list of nine seamhead storylines to follow over the coming 162-games. But ‘round these parts, no one opines on sports without getting torrents of vociferous, NSFW input from the Phoenix’s legendary cleaning guy, Pat D. (Read his take on the arrival of Stephon Marbury here.) So we sat down yesterday to get his salty thoughts on some baseball’s big issues.

Will we learn the rest of the 104 names on that steroid list?

I say release ‘em. Punish the motherfuckers. Because the fans should definitely know who’s a fuckin’ cheater, as far as I’m concerned. They should just test these fuckin’ people because of how much money they make. Y'know, if you’re cheating at something else, you’re fuckin’ fired. These guys cheat, and they’re making millions of dollars. As far as I’m concerned, these 104 names, whoever they are...throw ‘em in the fire. I mean, you’ve thrown a couple of them out there, throw ‘em all out there. As far as the Red Sox are concerned? I’m sure there’s Red Sox on that list. I wouldn’t be surprised. Maybe not people on the roster today, but who have been on our roster. They may not be one of those 104 names, but they’re probably the 500 names. It’s not just the 104 names. It’s a shitload of ‘em. And at one point they [well, Jose Canseco at least -ed.] were thinking that 85 percent of baseball was taking something to performance enhancing.

And what about A-Rod, the one name that was leaked?

Punish him. Suspend him. Fine him. He’s just another overpaid baseball player who thinks his shit doesn’t stink. As far as I’m concerned, the fuckin’ Yankees can fuckin’ have him.

Will the Yankees’ spendthrift ways lead to another pennant?

The players on that team are like 25 corporations. They’re trying to buy a World Series. This fuckin’ Steinbrenner is worse than the old man was, as far as I’m concerned. They’re trying to ruin fuckin’ baseball again. What was it? They spent $450 million dollars on five fuckin’ players?

Is World Baseball Classic good for the game?

The WBC? Who gives a fuck. You wanna play the American game? You come over here and play the American game. Fuckin’ global baseball. Global Baseball.

Are the Red Sox gonna be the best team in baseball, like some people are saying?

I know it’s very difficult to replace Manny’s bat. I like this kid Jason Bay because he plays baseball the way the game should be played: dirt, sweat, and blood. He likes to get dirty. I like that he’s a Pedroia type-a player, a Youkilis type a player.

Will the down economy adversely affect the sport?

As far as I’m concerned? With the economy in the shitter? These multimillion dollar baseball players? If they place isn’t sold out, these fuckers should give something back to baseball. Buy all the unused tickets, and donate them to foster homes.

But what do I know? I’m just a cleaning guy!


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