Paula Ab-SURD

What I learned from watching the premiere of Hey Paula last night on Bravo is: being Paula Abdul is really hard. No, really.

By the end of three hours of Paula,  I was as emotionally and physically ramshackle as a has-been Pop-R&B singer souped-up on, let’s see, Enbrel. My dogs chewed my diamond jewelry, my assistants only packed hot-pants, and I can’t — I just can’t, TEAR — wear hot-pants on the plane to QVC. “Take your foot and shove it down your throat, Assistants!”

Tear, tear, sniff. They’ve split open my suitcase on the floor of LAX… and the innards just look like more designer hot-pants! WAH! I think, maybe, if I act crazy now, somebody will notice and fix this. Stay tuned, while we go to a NutriSystem commercial break.

VIDEO: Watch episodes of Hey Paula.

NO JOKE: Play The Quotable Paula: Who said it? Paula Abdul or Winston Chruchill?