Slop Culture Photo Story Time: Heidi and Spencer Soak Up the Malibu Rays

On this gorgeous spring Tuesday, Slop Culture Photo Story Time brings you some new Hills-themed snaps. Today's completely candid shoot -- because what publicist in their right mind would allow their clients to look like such asshats -- features our favorite jerkface douche-bag, Spencer Pratt, and his boob-enhanced GF Heidi Montag. For the most part, they keep their bathing suit areas to themselves!

Heidi: This is fun! I'm really glad we got our publicists to organize this!
Spencer: Princess Heidi deserves the best. I'm still pissed that you didn't want to move in with me though.

Spencer: Check this shit OUT, girly-licious. I'm carrying you. You like it. You live with me, not Lauren. I will pee in the ocean if I want to. It's just like a big drain! Who cares? Lauren would care. You can't hang out with her anymore.
Heidi: My cleavage is going to get me so many new jobs. I'm really happy!

Heidi: How did I get here? Am I going to get sand stains on my white pants? I'm resting my hand casually on your thigh!
Spencer: I would actually kill a litter of puppies if it would make Brody Jenner a star. You can see it in my smile! Haha.
Heidi: Hahhaha! I'm so in love with you!

Spencer: Check yourself before you wreck yourself, biatch. If you ever break up with me or move out, I'll put naked pictures of you on the Internet.
Heidi: Weeeeeeee!

Heidi: It's starting to get really romantic, Spence. My pants are falling off, kind of!
Spencer: Can you shut your face hole? I have to hold in my breath and smile so it looks like I have  a six pack.
Heidi: Sure, babes!

Heidi: I look so much cuter than Lauren when I make-out on camera.
Spencer: I almost forgot to text Nicole Richie today. Maybe if I ask her nicely she'll eat a sandwich and I'll be on Perez Hilton's blog tomorrow! YEAH! AW YEAH!

Sometimes I wonder if Spence really does love me. Wait, what am I saying? Of course he does! Our relationship is on total display! My career is in his hands! My mom sold my life story to Radar! I got plastic surgery that I didn't need! Haha! This must be the right thing to do.

Spencer: Shhh. I boffed a butterface Playboy Bunny last night. No I didn't.
Heidi: Hahahahah! You're the best boyfriend in the entire universe times infinity!!!!

PREVIOUSLY: Jessica Simpson and John Mayer Snog on the Beach